So… after a long not so sober night with what I still consider as my friends, I found myself face to face being questioned about what I am doing with myself. I shouldn’t have to sit there and explain myself to the world. I don’t want to explain myself to anyone else. Some may think I’m crazy, but have they really even considered the amount of “crazy” that’s gone on in my head before I came out? They don’t even consider what I may be going through when confronted in this nature. It hurts. It’s deterring to my soul. Thanks to these questions and obliteration of my esteem through a bombardment of illogical questions. Personal questions.
There are few people I hold in this world as very close friends. I find myself further and further distancing myself from the world. Granted my intentions are not there, the fact that my thoughts of suicide are becoming more and more prevalent is beginning to worry me. I’ve tried so hard to keep my mentality up to at least be able to continue on until the sun rises again, but people want to badger me with questions and thoughts like I had never considered them before. Yes! I do know this is permanent. Yes! This really is how I feel. I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide, “Hey, I should alienate myself from my family, my work, society, etc. This will be great!” NO! I remember questioning this as little as 6 years old. I remember dressing like others just because I didn’t have a preference that wouldn’t get me called a fag.
What am I supposed to tell people? Why must I even be questioned like this? I’m told it’s because they love me and will support me through whatever decision I decide to make, but they claim I don’t know who I am. So, now I find myself in a complete loss at my own view at the world. I now feel like I have no idea what I am doing. All I can think is that I’ve ruined enough already. Who or what else really matters now. There’s nobody coming to my house to make sure I’m OK. I could disappear for days without anyone even thinking “Hey, where’s Joslyn?” Why? A. because the question is “Where is Josh?” B. I’m little more than an acquaintance to nearly 95% of the people I know.
When this girl told me that my life matters to no one… SHE WAS RIGHT! If I can’t find it in myself to keep my head up then I may as well sink to the bottom. I’m struggling more than anyone even knows, and I don’t have anyone to tell.
CONSIDER WHAT YOU SAY TO PEOPLE! CONSIDER WHO THEY HAVE! YOU CAN’T CRUSH DREAMS AND EXPECT PEOPLE TO MOVE ON WITH NOTHING ELSE THERE! WE ARE HUMAN! WE NEED HOPE! WE NEED GOALS! WE NEED A REASON!