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Who “Josh” Was Part 4

Ok… so, I get on a bus and I’m heading back to New Orleans after having been around for my son’s birth.  Now, before I had started walking to get to the bus station, I had made arrangements to move in with someone down in New Orleans.  I was waiting to collect my tax return at that time and it was a large enough check to cover what i needed to move into someone’s place with them.

After the excruciating 16 hour bus ride that would only take 6 hours to drive, I moved my stuff into my friend Daphne’s house. I only spent a week there before I had found a job.  I was hired on at Margaritaville.  I was given $12/hr.  That was quite a wage for me at that time.  I was ecstatic.  I was trained on sautee.  Luckily for me, though, I had just missed the Mardi Gras crowd, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t busy every weekend.  Like I mean insanely busy.  I had no choice but to learn quick, and I did.

After a few months of working there, Daphne, William, Jason, and I moved into a place right off of St. Bernard Ave.  Now, I know I didn’t go into detail of who these people are and I’m also sure that this road is irrelevant to you, but for me these were the facts.  It was also around this time I started talking to Allison again.  She said she wanted to make things work, but was stuck where she was for the moment.  I paid my last months rent at this place and moved out.  One of my friends at the time told me I could stay at his place until I got situated elsewhere.  He did it not for me, but for my son.  It took me about 6 weeks to find a place, move Allison down to New Orleans, and move in.  It took another 2 weeks before we could actually live at the house.

In that time we stayed at a hotel out in Kenner and Allison drove me to work everyday.  I was just so happy to have my son around again. It was like life was back on track.  Work was bringing me plenty of hours, 50+/week to be exact.  There wasn’t much that could slow me down.  We lived happily in that house for a good portion of 7 months.  Marriage actually started to become a talk between us.  I considered it a lot at the time.  Purchased a ring. Had the ring sent to my mom’s house in Indianapolis.  Then, out of the blue, she says she’s done with this again and that she was going to leave.  I lost it…I told her to go.  I  quickly came to my senses, though, paid up rent and the bills on the house.  I told her she’d have nothing to pay here for at least another month.  I got on a bus and went back to Indianapolis.

This was completely irrational thinking, but to me I needed to be around family.  It was like no one was on my side, funny, though, today I find myself in the same predicament, yet, I’ve only myself to confide in.  A train to Chicago was about 21 hours.  My friend Josh picked me up and we ate at this amazing pizza place across from the Sear’s tower.  I paid for a $40 pizza.  Best I’ve ever eaten.

Now, this time when I arrived back home I moved in with my dad until I found a job down town.  This took me about 2-3 months.  I was working at a restaurant that was actually 2 restaurants.  Upstairs was the fine dining only open in the evenings.  Downstairs was the cafe open from morning to night.  Euphoria upstairs and Creation Cafe downstairs.  This place was practically all organic.  Chef Brad Gates, former chef for Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant at the Indianapolis Museum of Arts.  He had been on the Today show twice, and has worked at many other fine establishments in his 20 years in this profession.  He taught me more about cooking than I had ever learned.

Now, while I was up in Indianapolis, I started talking to Allison… again.  I told her of my intentions.  I texted a lot at this point.  I told her through text I had wanted to marry her… she said that’s what she wanted.  I messaged her (lame I know) that I would still marry her if she was up to it.  She replied with yes.  It was only a couple days later that I decided that if we were gonna get married that I should tell her more about myself.

I told her of my gender dysphoria.  She seemed ok with it at the time.  She said she had no problems with it, but this was not the case when I finally got her to move to Indianapolis.  I flew down to Jonesboro to visit (if you know me, I hate flying).  I stayed for a week, and at the end of that week she was packed and bringing my son and herself with me back to Indianapolis.  This was like a dream… yes.. my life is either nightmares or dreams.. I get nothing in between.  She always seemed distant, though.  My mom threw her cat out one day and I told her of this.  Allison was not happy.  We moved into my dad’s house a week later.  In two weeks of living there, a few weeks before Halloween, Allison said her mom had her a job in Jonesboro and that she thinks it would be wise if she went and took it so we could save up money.

I was not very keen to the whole idea.  I’d felt this rejection from her before.  I just allowed it and kept quiet.  The last day she took me to work before she headed back to Louisiana I had asked her to promise me she’d come back.. she said she would. I told her I loved her and leaned in for a kiss.  This was absolutely awkward.  It was rushed and she could not look me in the eyes.  She left and I went to work feeling like I’d finally seen her leave me for good, but I did not know.

In the next couple of days she told me over the phone that it was indeed over.  I was not given an excuse for a long time.  My gender dysphoria is the reasoning, though. This I do now know.  I took a leave from work for a week and ate a lot of pills. I was practically in a coma for this period.  I had gotten back in touch with one of my gay friends from New Orleans.  I told him I was coming down there and he offered me a place, either on a mattress or I could sleep with him.  I did choose to stay with him.

I went back to work after my leave and told my co-workers I was going to put in my two weeks notice.  I never did, though. At this point my entire work had seen me have a mental break down and just weep frantically.  I could barely function.  I never walked back in that place except to pick up my last check.

Once again I was taking a bus back to New Orleans.  This time completely without a plan.  All care for what happened was gone.  Cody I looked forward to.  I always adored him, but I’d never told anyone of these feelings.  He was the only one that knew this.  I had still not come out to the world and this made the next couple months just that much harder.

Until next time….




About joslynalana

I'm just a girl trying to make it in the world.

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