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Who “Josh” Was Part 5

Ok, so, I’m on a bus. No… wait.. i had a friend visiting home from New Orleans since it was around Christmas.  We left the day after Christmas. I’m heading back to new Orleans again.  I’m on my way to see my old friend Cody, whom I’d met in New Orleans when I first went down.

It was a long ride as usual, but obviously not bus ride awful.  When we arrived in New Orleans I was dropped off at Cody’s place at around 8-9am.  I was happy to see him, but I was majorly depressed at this moment and wanted no one to see it.  I kept quiet a lot. I spoke very little.

We would go out to the French Quarter every few days.  We would get drunk or high, whatever was appropriate.  We came back and I would cuddle up with him.  There was nothing more exciting for me at that time than to be in his arms. ^_^

I was very quickly getting worried, though.  I wanted him, but was afraid to tell the world.  I went out one day on my own to the Quarter.  I found an old friend who had helped me with food and a living situation the many times I had been back and forth.  Magik Mike was out working.  He was doing this silver jester type statue act at the time.  He would contact juggle.  He was out on a very slow day.  I asked him what it would take for him to go in.  He said when he gets his first five dollar tip.  I pulled out a 5 and gave it to him.  I said I got more if you can find me some herb.  So we left to his place where I ended up staying at and never moving back in with Cody… and I am regretful.

Within a week Mike had offered me the chance to go out in the Quarter with this random dog act he had seen and put together.  I was nervous but I needed the money.  I bought makeup and started growing my beard out again.  The first night I went out to Bourbon I made 70 bucks in an hour.  I was instantly hooked. I went out almost every day after that.  I always hit Bourbon. There was too much money to miss out on there.  I eventually started working day time as well.  I would work from 12-8, working between Royal Street and Bourbon Street.  French Quarter Fest brought me good money.  I was getting bored with this act, though.  I was not doing something of my creation.  This was irritating to me.

I started searching the internet for random ideas.  I started working on a voodoo doll act just the same as I had done the dog act.  I was nearly half way through when I came across this Transformer costume I saw in a video from out in Hollywood.  It was absolutely amazing.

At this time I had been spending a lot of my money and effort on putting together Mike’s house.  I put 3500 dollars approximately into it and weeks of my time.  He was beginning to be a prick, though. I had met this girl, Mecca.  I was infatuated, but that was not the case on both ends.  Mike on the other hand was losing his mind trying to figure out where I was at, regardless if he had any reason to wonder.  I finally was getting locked out of his home.  I had been staying at a friend of mine’s house, Jason.  I had came to him with the Transformer idea.  I was thinking that between me and him this costume could be built.  He wanted to build one, too.  So, we started working on his as I gathered materials for mine… he had funding where as I had put all my money into Mike.

Magik Mike at this point had been completely ignoring me.  He wouldn’t answer his phone or his door even though I could hear him inside.  I was ravenous at this point.  I cut his power off.  He came outside about 10 minutes later asking me if I had cut his power off.  I responded that yes I did cut his power off.  He asks me why I would do that.  I respond because all my stuff is inside his house.  I wanted to know why he wouldn’t answer his phone or his door for me.  He told me he was too busy.  I was like you’re too busy for the guy that has practically given my all for you and fixed your house up?  I told him I was done and would just like to get my stuff and go.  He wouldn’t let it go, though.  He was like well where have you been? Have you been off doing drugs? He was referring to cocaine or crack or something of which I told him that I have tourette’s and that is a very difficult disorder to get by with and do speedy substances like that.   I was using the internet at places.  I was hanging out with friends.  That was all.  As I was grabbing my stuff out of the closet he started to get very angry.  He backed me in just before Jason pulled up in his van.  It was a loud van.  It rumbled before it stopped.  Mike says “what? did you call back up?”  I was like ya… I need to get this stuff down the road.  He ran outside to where Jason was still getting out of his car.  Mike starts at him.  Jason quickly responds with “Mike, I’m not here to play games.  let the kid get his stuff and let’s be done with this.”  As he says that he flashes his unloaded shotgun.  Unloaded or not, it is intimidating.   Mike comes back up the stairs and begins to weep saying he never has any friends.  I consoled him by saying you would if you didn’t treat people like shit.  Then I finally got all my stuff out and left.  That was the end of me and Mike.

It was around June now and I had to go to court for child support up in northern Louisiana.  Money was only getting tighter. I still didn’t have my Transformer costume.  I hated working the dog anymore.  I finally had my costume made just in time for July 4th weekend.  It was very rushed and not at all comfortable, but it did make money.  I started working this in the evenings between Bourbon and Jackson Square.  I was able to afford to get by, but it was hard.  I was only getting depressed again.  I had wants that i was still repressing.  Jason and his girlfriend Erica had purchased a place on the other side of town.  I just wanted to find myself alone a lot now.  I couldn’t do that.  I wrote them a note and packed up my stuff and left town over night heading back for Indianapolis.  I was expecting to have a job at home that my brother was going to set me up with at a grocery store.  He was arrested about 2 weeks after I had arrived home though.  I ended up waiting for 2 months and received a job a Hal’s Fabulous Vegas Bar and Grill doing dishes thanks to my other friend named Josh.   I had left New Orleans making maybe 60/hour to make nearly minimum wage at 20 hours a week.  I was not making wise decisions.  I stayed there through the winter, but Jason had talked to me online.  He had inspired me to come back to New Orleans and do what I was doing before.  Entertaining the masses in a ridiculous suit.

The day I went in to put my two weeks notice in I was offered a promotion.  Irony. I turned it down and worked my last two weeks there.  I took a bus this time with very little stuff:  2 small suitcases. I arrived in town and immediately had to get to fixing up the old suit.  It had sat dormant for so long.  We primed it up and painted it like a police car.  I had it working just in time for French Quarter Fest.  It was a great weekend, but I was not in shape for it at this time.  I made less than what I had expected.

I worked every weekend from this point on.  I had recently started gaining interest in contact juggling, juggling, and magic.  Sometime near fall I had met a man named Rod.  He introduced me to the world of the magicians: Warpo, Alex, Doug, John, Emmitt, Bobby, Dante, Keith.   This group was, and still is, the most influential group I’ve met to date.  They took what I had learned with magic and improved on my basics.  I was finally able to run routines, not well, yet.  I made it through until winter.  Winter was getting rough for me.  My gender dysphoria was beginning to sit on me heavily again.  I was thinking about it daily.  It was bothering me in my social life and private life.  I did not know what to do.

I remember telling a few people, but to no avail I had no answers.  Then I told a friend and she recommended I go see a counselor.  I found one and set up an appointment.  I started seeing her every week.   Just a couple weeks beforehand I had received my first offer for doing a real gig.  One where I needed to go to Cleveland for.  It was big money, but a lot of work.  I wasn’t very sure of it happening at this time.  I was just trying to focus on myself for now.

Once again, I’m finishing right here 😉
I should finish up my past next time and then I’ll finally get to daily bloggings.

Joslyn

<3<3<3<3

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About joslynalana

I'm just a girl trying to make it in the world.

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