I woke up this morning on time, but fell back asleep. Sleepy, sleepy me… I finally got up an hour later to finally get ready to go out to work. After an ‘exuberating’ walk (hahahahaha) I made it to my work spot and walked over to the local CVS to get my little bit of caffeine I need for the day. This day was just feeling like a drag from the beginning.
I was constantly feeling myself not happy with things. I wasn’t liking the minimal money I was making. I wasn’t enjoying the thoughts that my recent decisions have left me without the family I’ve always had. Now, I know this is stupid to be worrying about, but I miss what I had. I was feeling like I’ve made a bad decision all day. I felt like maybe I should put my wants behind me. I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore. Nothing is giving me that pleasant feeling anymore.
I MISS LOVE.
I have many friends around the country, but I spend my days usually alone sitting in my room. I’d leave the house, but there’s no where to go. Most people suggest I go to a bar. I don’t want to hang out in bars. I don’t want to meet someone is this kind of place. I don’t even know what kind of person I DO want to meet. I’m completely lost in my attempts to add more to my life. I’ve lost my self-image. I’ve almost given up hope. Hope that I’ll be who I want to be. Hope that I can continue to make a living the way I do. Hope that I can be more than just another person. I want to matter. I want to matter to someone special. Someone that is special to me. I don’t feel wanted, though. I feel like I’m tolerated. Nobody knows me anymore. I don’t know if anyone ever did. Am I just distancing myself from the world? Am I doing this myself or am I just overlooking the natural course of reality?
My dreams are fading, but my heart is fading faster. I don’t like this feeling. I know what I do with this feeling, and I fight so hard not to think about it. My dreams, though, keep reminding me that it is something that I think about every once in a while. What kind of life can I live if I can never be truly… TRULY… who I want to be? Giving up is a constant struggle I try to overcome. The world does not see this. In front of the world I can still barely allow myself to express what I want. I might as well be an expressionless mask. I’m a void of space.. filled by matter.. but empty of all realistic thoughts.
Now, I can ask myself what it is that I want? I don’t want to be anything more than who I am. I don’t want to change my personality. I need everything I’ve held on to in this life. That is why I attained what I have. I watch as many others struggle to get where I want to be as well. I see hatred in the world as well. I feel incapable of making a change in either. Satisfaction is hard to obtain when you ask as much as I do. Not for myself, but for the world. Why do people find the need to criticize what they don’t understand? Be it a transgender or something as minor as a hobby. I try so hard not to care about it anymore, but it is defeating me.
My day finished at work with making under 100 bucks and I walked home thinking all this over for the 45 minutes that it takes me to traverse those 2 miles. I came home. I ate. Then I cried. Not much, but enough to know that I am bothered. Empty I am. Never with understanding as to why. I just want to make the world smile, but I forget to think of myself.