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Breaking The Mold For No One Else But The World.. I Leave Little For Myself

I woke up this morning on time, but fell back asleep.  Sleepy, sleepy me… I finally got up an hour later to finally get ready to go out to work.  After an ‘exuberating’ walk (hahahahaha) I made it to my work spot and walked over to the local CVS to get my little bit of caffeine I need for the day.  This day was just feeling like a drag from the beginning.

I was constantly feeling myself not happy with things.  I wasn’t liking the minimal money I was making.  I wasn’t enjoying the thoughts that my recent decisions have left me without the family I’ve always had.  Now, I know this is stupid to be worrying about, but I miss what I had.  I was feeling like I’ve made a bad decision all day.  I felt like maybe I should put my wants behind me.  I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore.  Nothing is giving me that pleasant feeling anymore.

I MISS LOVE.

I have many friends around the country, but I spend my days usually alone sitting in my room.  I’d leave the house, but there’s no where to go.  Most people suggest I go to a bar. I don’t want to hang out in bars.  I don’t want to meet someone is this kind of place.  I don’t even know what kind of person I DO want to meet.  I’m completely lost in my attempts to add more to my life.  I’ve lost my self-image.  I’ve almost given up hope.   Hope that I’ll be who I want to be.  Hope that I can continue to make a living the way I do.  Hope that I can be more than just another person.  I want to matter.  I want to matter to someone special.  Someone that is special to me.  I don’t feel wanted, though.  I feel like I’m tolerated.  Nobody knows me anymore.  I don’t know if anyone ever did.  Am I just distancing myself from the world? Am I doing this myself or am I just overlooking the natural course of reality?

My dreams are fading, but my heart is fading faster.   I don’t like this feeling.  I know what I do with this feeling, and I fight so hard not to think about it.  My dreams, though, keep reminding me that it is something that I think about every once in a while.  What kind of life can I live if I can never be truly… TRULY… who I want to be?  Giving up is a  constant struggle I try to overcome.  The world does not see this.  In front of the world I can still barely allow myself to express what I want.  I might as well be an expressionless mask.  I’m a void of space.. filled by matter.. but empty of all realistic thoughts.

Now, I can ask myself what it is that I want?  I don’t want to be anything more than who I am.  I don’t want to change my personality.  I need everything I’ve held on to in this life.  That is why I attained what I have.  I watch as many others struggle to get where I want to be as well.  I see hatred in the world as well.  I feel incapable of making a change in either.  Satisfaction is hard to obtain when you ask as much as I do.  Not for myself, but for the world.  Why do people find the need to criticize what they don’t understand?  Be it a transgender or something as minor as a hobby.  I try so hard not to care about it anymore, but it is defeating me.

My day finished at work with making under 100 bucks and I walked home thinking all this over for the 45 minutes that it takes me to traverse those 2 miles.  I came home. I ate.  Then I cried. Not much, but enough to know that I am bothered.  Empty I am.  Never with understanding as to why.  I just want to make the world smile, but I forget to think of myself.

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About joslynalana

I'm just a girl trying to make it in the world.

2 responses to “Breaking The Mold For No One Else But The World.. I Leave Little For Myself

  1. followingconcreatpaths ⋅

    I feel traped the same way. I feel so apart from what I thought caused my happieness. I feel like I am a disapointment cause I don’t get the responces that I feel should acompany my actions. I try to stay the same as the world changes around me. I am continuing to be consumed by “This Creature” of my own I thought was long gone, and another not of myself that leaches my life because they won’t live for themself. But soon it will change like the wind as it always has. Everything will be diffrent, new, untainted….. until I open my mouth.

    • Every day… EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! I tell myself I’m better than I was yesterday (i don’t literally say it). Then again, some days I can’t handle much of anything. When I sit and think things through, though, I realize I’ve always been something odd to society. Whether I’m beautiful as I see myself or as odd as the world around me seems to think I am, I do not feel like anything has changed. Keep strong… life can be hard no matter what decisions we make.

      BE STRONGER THAN DISBELIEF

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