OK, so, I haven’t posted in about two weeks at this point. I had a great weekend at work two weeks ago and had a terrible weekend the last week. As far as my life goes, I’ve been all over the charts. I can look in the mirror and love myself. I can dress cute and feel cute. I can get every aspect I want down to the point that I feel like I am as cute as a girl as I can be. I can not be that girl, though. Sometimes I don’t allow it. When I do I can’t take my mind off the idea that my anatomy is completely incorrect.
I go to sleep each now feeling great, then the dreams hit. I wake up and BAM! Reality hits again. I’m still a boy. I feel as if I’m lying to myself anymore these days. Have I done everything I can to make me happy? Or have I made my life harder by coming out to the world and losing the family I had?
I have a huge support group of friends. I have a great life. I have a great self-employed job. I hate myself. I am not the human I was meant to be. I’ve lost out on many years of life that I spent trying to hide who I am. Avoiding words like “fag”, “queer”, etc. I can only ask myself if avoiding the names was worth it. After puberty hit.. I was practically doomed. I was lucky to have the face of my mother. I have features of my dad and I intend to get those covered up eventually (i.e. my nose, my hairline).
I feel at this moment that I myself need vagina, but not in the sense that any boy or lesbian would want vagina. I want my own. I hate this penis. I hate hate HATE the way it looks, feels, and just IS. Yet, in the same idea I need it as well. I want this to hurry up. The quicker it is gonna the sooner IT is here. I will never know how I should feel, but I’m trying my hardest to get as close as possible to the goal.
I can only keep telling myself I’m strong enough for this.
I AM STRONG!