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Inevitable is the spiral

OK, so, I haven’t posted in about two weeks at this point.  I had a great weekend at work two weeks ago and had a terrible weekend the last week.  As far as my life goes, I’ve been all over the charts.  I can look in the mirror and love myself.  I can dress cute and feel cute.  I can get every aspect I want down to the point that I feel like I am as cute as a girl as I can be.  I can not be that girl, though.  Sometimes I don’t allow it.  When I do I can’t take my mind off the idea that my anatomy is completely incorrect.

I go to sleep each now feeling great, then the dreams hit.  I wake up and BAM! Reality hits again.  I’m still a boy.  I feel as if I’m lying to myself anymore these days.  Have I done everything I can to make me happy? Or have I made my life harder by coming out to the world and losing the family I had?

I have a huge support group of friends.  I have a great life. I have a great self-employed job.  I hate myself.  I am not the human I was meant to be.  I’ve lost out on many years of life that I spent trying to hide who I am.  Avoiding words like “fag”, “queer”, etc.  I can only ask myself if avoiding the names was worth it.  After puberty hit.. I was practically doomed.  I was lucky to have the face of my mother.  I have features of my dad and I intend to get those covered up eventually (i.e. my nose, my hairline).

I feel at this moment that I myself need vagina, but not in the sense that any boy or lesbian would want vagina.  I want my own.  I hate this penis.  I hate hate HATE the way it looks, feels, and just IS.  Yet, in the same idea I need it as well.  I want this to hurry up.  The quicker it is gonna the sooner IT is here.  I will never know how I should feel, but I’m trying my hardest to get as close as possible to the goal.

I can only keep telling myself I’m strong enough for this.




About joslynalana

I'm just a girl trying to make it in the world.

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