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Lost Even With Signs At Every Corner

So… after a long not so sober night with what I still consider as my friends, I found myself face to face being questioned about what I am doing with myself.  I shouldn’t have to sit there and explain myself to the world.  I don’t want to explain myself to anyone else.  Some may think I’m crazy, but have they really even considered the amount of “crazy” that’s gone on in my head before I came out? They don’t even consider what I may be going through when confronted in this nature.   It hurts.  It’s deterring to my soul.  Thanks to these questions and obliteration of my esteem through a bombardment of illogical questions.  Personal questions.

There are few people I hold in this world as very close friends.  I find myself further and further distancing myself from the world.  Granted my intentions are not there, the fact that my thoughts of suicide are becoming more and more prevalent is beginning to worry me.  I’ve tried so hard to keep my mentality up to at least be able to continue on until the sun rises again, but people want to badger me with questions and thoughts like I had never considered them before.  Yes! I do know this is permanent.  Yes! This really is how I feel.  I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide, “Hey, I should alienate myself from my family, my work, society, etc.  This will be great!”  NO! I remember questioning this as little as 6 years old.  I remember dressing like others just because I didn’t have a preference that wouldn’t get me called a fag.

What am I supposed to tell people?  Why must I even be questioned like this?  I’m told it’s because they love me and will support me through whatever decision I decide to make, but they claim I don’t know who I am.  So, now I find myself in a complete loss at my own view at the world.  I now feel like I have no idea what I am doing.  All I can think is that I’ve ruined enough already.  Who or what else really matters now.  There’s nobody coming to my house to make sure I’m OK.  I could disappear for days without anyone even thinking “Hey, where’s Joslyn?”  Why? A. because the question is “Where is Josh?”  B. I’m little more than an acquaintance to nearly 95% of the people I know.

When this girl told me that my life matters to no one… SHE WAS RIGHT! If I can’t find it in myself to keep my head up then I may as well sink to the bottom.  I’m struggling more than anyone even knows, and I don’t have anyone to tell.




About joslynalana

I'm just a girl trying to make it in the world.

8 responses to “Lost Even With Signs At Every Corner

  1. Kira

    You can’t listen to people who don’t understand what your going through, who haven’t looked through your eyes, haven’t walked in your shoes.
    They may be friends, they may care for you, but honestly, it seems they are causing more problems then they might solve just because they cannot understand.
    You have to think of yourself for the moment, your life and safety come first.

    • I find myself wondering what I care about at all when my closest friends are doing nothing but sitting back and watching me fall apart beneath their words. I don’t know what is right…

      • Kira

        I don’t know if your seeing a therapist or not, if you are, then you need to discuss this with them as soon as possible. If you don’t, then, please, please try and find one. I have found it to be the best thing I have done for myself. Like you, I not only have gender issues, but also suicidal tendencies. Just knowing I have someone to talk to has made a huge difference in feeling I can handle the thoughts and emotions and yes, even the fantasies. Not only that but I am starting to deal with other issues as well and she is giving me ways to deal with them too.
        The biggest thing is knowing there is someone who listens to me without judging. Someone I can talk to without having to explain every little thing.
        I really don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have that.


      • I was seeing a therapist and then she took a month vacation out of town. Then I couldn’t afford to go see her anymore. She told me that I could come even if I can’t afford it, but I just don’t want to not pay her. She helps me a lot.

      • Kira

        I’m sorry to hear your having problems seeing your therapist. I just went though something similar when I couldn’t see mine for a month when she changed practices, so I know how tough it can be not having support available.
        I know you don’t want to use her service without paying and I understand why that is, but maybe think about seeing her at least once to discuss what’s going on in your life right now. After reading your post, I am concerned with your well being and I hope that talking to her will give you hope and strength. I know it isn’t what you want but maybe it’s what you need. At least think about it, okay?


      • I have been.. ever since yesterday I’ve been thinking that it may be wise to talk to her. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t know what to do anymore.

        Thanks for being a sweetheart, though.


  2. Oh hun, I’m so sorry I didn’t read this earlier! I went through this myself and it just sucked the wind right out of me. Anytime you want to talk I would be more than happy to bend an ear your way.
    ❤ hugs ❤

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