Making Beautiful The Already Beautiful

Been a long week.  I don’t know even what day it was that I last posted.  I’d go check, but I’m lazy.

Ok. First off: Work.

Work has been fairly slow for me lately.  Especially this last weekend where it just rained and rained and rained.   I’m still struggling to get caught up on the bills that are dragging me down.  I am so ready for summer to be over.  Oh well.. this is the profession I chose.  It has its ups and it has its downs.  As far as coming out at work goes, I am still slowly putting pieces together for people.  I still dare not to play the part, even though there really isn’t much of a part to play.  I am who I am, and behind a mask, at work, I will stay.  What these people know from the obvious is all they need to know.  I don’t think it’s necessary for me to tell every passer by “hey! call me she not he.”  I’ve given them no hints and I’m only out there to work.  I would love for it to be the other way around, but I have my patience and in due time I will get the respect from those who do not know me as well.  I do not need to demand it.  Those who know and love me give me everything I need.

It is now week 12 of eating birth control and I can say that these truly are the buds of titties.  I have no idea to what extent this pill is effecting my body.  I’ve failed to take measurements, and at this point I really just don’t want to anyways.  With my patience my body will manifest.  I am continually seeing myself in the light that I want to.  I look in the mirror and 75% of the time I do see the girl I am.  This makes me happy.  My hair is beginning to get to a length where I am ready to cut it and have it styled.

This is quite the milestone for me.

This will truly help me create the image I seek.

As far as other things go, I’ve just finished a photo shoot today.  It was truly an amazing experience.  I had a wonderful photographer, Jeffrey Dupuis ( ), and I also had an amazing makeup artist to work with me, of whom I do not have contact info for at this moment.  We spent about 3 hours going around and shooting pics of me and I felt absolutely fabulous!!!  I can now only wait to see Jeffrey’s work.

Afterwards I came home and didn’t even want to take the makeup off.  I passed out and woke up.. it was still perfect.  I have never felt so amazingly gorgeous as I did today.  I only hope that one day I can recreate her work.

OK! so much for talking and talking and talking about it.  Here is a pic that I took as soon as I made it home:

Me after I got home from the photo shoot

Oh and I almost forgot.  I also went to an event at a place here called Mardi Gras World where there was an event held named The Halfway To Mardi Gras Staycation Ball.  I went there to juggle free of charge and just collect tips.  It was not very well lit (which makes it hard to juggle), plus it was mildly raining outside all evening.  Needless to say it funded me nothing.  I did however manage to find the bar and OH MY GOSH was I ever so plastered.  Any who.. here is also a picture from this event:

So now.. until next time.. make sure you subscribe and share… It will only make me love you more!!




Assuredly Repugnant

After everything I’ve put myself up to… after all that I’ve held myself through… after every word that I’ve spoken of keeping strong and holding myself above the water, I still find myself unable to keep myself there for more than a matter of hours.  During work, there are those moments.  When I wake… when I spend my time through the day… before I go to sleep… I can’t help but feel myself lower myself beneath the world.  I don’t want to live as a boy, yet, I don’t ever feel myself living as a girl.  My happiness comes from moments of blocking out reality.. not embracing.  I do not love myself for what I am.  I don’t ever see what I’d prefer.  I just want to be cute… and all I are odd looks.

I am not a side show.  I am just human.  I am lost.  I am unfortunate, but mostly… I am being defeated.  Nothing I can do has brought me any closer to finding peace in my own head.  If anything, it has only allowed me to express more of what I hate about this life.  I’m just a walking ball of depression ingesting hormones to make sure that feeling is continued.  I don’t appreciate in the least bit the cards I was given.  I don’t care to deal with it.  I hate it.  The world does not want what I am.  I am not understood and there for I am overlooked until I am needed.  I try so hard just to be labeled as I wish not to be.  This is what I am doomed to.

I am a mistake with a personal mistake.
I am a ‘crazy’ with no hope for sanity.
I am a disgusting creature hoping for beauty.
I am a girl confined to a boy.

I can run my mind in circles around this idea, yet, I do not wish to.  I leave these thoughts here.


Breaking My Back To Carry Excess Luggage

I don’t write much about my love for my ex.  Tonight I will.  I’ve been talking to her a lot in the last few days.  She’s single again.  My heart is still hers.  For now… it is still only hers.  I will never find what she gave to me.  I don’t care if I’m hurt again.  Love hurts.  That’s how it works.  She is beautiful. She is amazing.  She is my link in life.  I don’t understand why, but I would walk the rest of the world that I have not yet stepped foot upon for her.  I was engaged to her once.  That was my for life commitment.  It didn’t happen.  I was broken hearted.  I’m soooo stupid.   SO FUCKING STUPID!  Why do I do this to myself? It’s been 3 years that I’ve been away.  She’s like nothing else in the world to me.

Denied to protect me…. I need to be loved.  I’m fragile and I need it.  I’m just a girl without hope.  A lost soul with an eternity to regret what I could not save.  I’m a mistake made from birth.  I always seek the highest peak.  I will never be tall enough or strong enough or fast enough or smart enough to catch it.  I will never understand what it is that I fail at.  A broken heart I keep.  I cherish the love I’ve received and remember each scar every time I find myself in need to breathe deeply.  I’m a terrible mess with a terrible affection for a love I can’t let go of as she walks further and further away.

Head high because my heart is so low….