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Breaking My Back To Carry Excess Luggage

I don’t write much about my love for my ex.  Tonight I will.  I’ve been talking to her a lot in the last few days.  She’s single again.  My heart is still hers.  For now… it is still only hers.  I will never find what she gave to me.  I don’t care if I’m hurt again.  Love hurts.  That’s how it works.  She is beautiful. She is amazing.  She is my link in life.  I don’t understand why, but I would walk the rest of the world that I have not yet stepped foot upon for her.  I was engaged to her once.  That was my for life commitment.  It didn’t happen.  I was broken hearted.  I’m soooo stupid.   SO FUCKING STUPID!  Why do I do this to myself? It’s been 3 years that I’ve been away.  She’s like nothing else in the world to me.

Denied to protect me…. I need to be loved.  I’m fragile and I need it.  I’m just a girl without hope.  A lost soul with an eternity to regret what I could not save.  I’m a mistake made from birth.  I always seek the highest peak.  I will never be tall enough or strong enough or fast enough or smart enough to catch it.  I will never understand what it is that I fail at.  A broken heart I keep.  I cherish the love I’ve received and remember each scar every time I find myself in need to breathe deeply.  I’m a terrible mess with a terrible affection for a love I can’t let go of as she walks further and further away.

Head high because my heart is so low….

Joslyn

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About joslynalana

I'm just a girl trying to make it in the world.

7 responses to “Breaking My Back To Carry Excess Luggage

  1. Tru ⋅

    You aim for the highest peak because one day you will sprout wings and fly to the time you of all people know that your uniqueness is your strength in this cold world and your love will get you thru your heads high because your strength holds it up!!! 😉

    • more worthless by the hour… denied by many more by the years…. just a growing trend

      • Barbara Collins ⋅

        Joshua Please come home

      • my best response…… eh… you don’t want it.

      • Coming home will not change anything. I’ve made up my mind. I don’t want your hatred of me. I’m not a fucking child anymore, Mom! So what that I want to live my life as a transgender. That is my decision and mine only. All I asked of you was some understanding. I tried to give you time and then you started getting pushy and leaving me silly voicemail threats. You should be apologizing to yourself.. to me… and to everyone you bothered with your erratic views. I have a world of friends who accept me for who I am here. I love it in New Orleans. I’ve never found love for the city of Indianapolis. I will not come home. I will not stop this transition.I will forgive you, but you’ve yet to give me a reason. You can not control my life with a cell phone and money. You CAN control who is in your life by pushing and shoving people out like you have done. Patience is a virtue. Love can come and go. It takes two people to find that to be true. FIND IT!

        Joslyn

        ^^Yes, that’s it.. remember it.. get used to it… get over it

  2. Barbara Collins ⋅

    joshua, I don’t leave you .You left me your lack of being honest about wanting to be a women. Ally cared enough about you to share with your family why she left you.None of us beleved her. My 2 best friends happen to be guy, so don’t talk about my erratic views.All 3 women that you have been with left you because you wanted a sex change Chris Tracy and Ally .You need professional counseling. If you realy want Ally back, you need to rember why she left you. She doesnot want to be in bed with another women.Your family dont leave you. You left us. We stil love you and miss you alot.
    Mom

    • I have a professional counselor. I didn’t leave anybody.. I just don’t have a phone right now… crystal didn’t leave me for this… tracy didn’t leave me for this.. just ally. If i have to choose my gender issue over love… i’m gonna choose my gender issue.

      As far as being honest goes… I have every right to keep these ideas from anyone. I have my right to privacy. You know… life is tough… this is a huge decision and I am glad I made it. My life is good and, to me, if anyone thinks otherwise I’ll just constitute that as a reason for exile from it. I don’t want the stress. I just want peace. I love my job… My city loves me… the friends I have are amazing. At this moment I am right where I want to be. I’ve never stopped loving any of the family. I just felt after telling everyone that it was best to spend time apart. I don’t want to be hated because I’m going against the “norm” of society.. i don’t want to hear how God will damn me to hell… all i want to hear is people tell me that they respect my decision because that’s what friends and family do. I haven’t committed any crimes… I just wanted to express myself for who I always have been. I’m not crazy just a bit different. I’m the same person, I just prefer to be called something different. I’m sorry if I hurt anyone. You hurt me a lot, too.

      With all my heart I still love you… Damon and Dad,too.

      Joslyn

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