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Assuredly Repugnant

After everything I’ve put myself up to… after all that I’ve held myself through… after every word that I’ve spoken of keeping strong and holding myself above the water, I still find myself unable to keep myself there for more than a matter of hours.  During work, there are those moments.  When I wake… when I spend my time through the day… before I go to sleep… I can’t help but feel myself lower myself beneath the world.  I don’t want to live as a boy, yet, I don’t ever feel myself living as a girl.  My happiness comes from moments of blocking out reality.. not embracing.  I do not love myself for what I am.  I don’t ever see what I’d prefer.  I just want to be cute… and all I are odd looks.

I am not a side show.  I am just human.  I am lost.  I am unfortunate, but mostly… I am being defeated.  Nothing I can do has brought me any closer to finding peace in my own head.  If anything, it has only allowed me to express more of what I hate about this life.  I’m just a walking ball of depression ingesting hormones to make sure that feeling is continued.  I don’t appreciate in the least bit the cards I was given.  I don’t care to deal with it.  I hate it.  The world does not want what I am.  I am not understood and there for I am overlooked until I am needed.  I try so hard just to be labeled as I wish not to be.  This is what I am doomed to.

I am a mistake with a personal mistake.
I am a ‘crazy’ with no hope for sanity.
I am a disgusting creature hoping for beauty.
I am a girl confined to a boy.

I can run my mind in circles around this idea, yet, I do not wish to.  I leave these thoughts here.



About joslynalana

I'm just a girl trying to make it in the world.

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