After everything I’ve put myself up to… after all that I’ve held myself through… after every word that I’ve spoken of keeping strong and holding myself above the water, I still find myself unable to keep myself there for more than a matter of hours. During work, there are those moments. When I wake… when I spend my time through the day… before I go to sleep… I can’t help but feel myself lower myself beneath the world. I don’t want to live as a boy, yet, I don’t ever feel myself living as a girl. My happiness comes from moments of blocking out reality.. not embracing. I do not love myself for what I am. I don’t ever see what I’d prefer. I just want to be cute… and all I are odd looks.
I am not a side show. I am just human. I am lost. I am unfortunate, but mostly… I am being defeated. Nothing I can do has brought me any closer to finding peace in my own head. If anything, it has only allowed me to express more of what I hate about this life. I’m just a walking ball of depression ingesting hormones to make sure that feeling is continued. I don’t appreciate in the least bit the cards I was given. I don’t care to deal with it. I hate it. The world does not want what I am. I am not understood and there for I am overlooked until I am needed. I try so hard just to be labeled as I wish not to be. This is what I am doomed to.
I am a mistake with a personal mistake.
I am a ‘crazy’ with no hope for sanity.
I am a disgusting creature hoping for beauty.
I am a girl confined to a boy.
I can run my mind in circles around this idea, yet, I do not wish to. I leave these thoughts here.