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Just Like Your Cupboards… I’m Completely Empty

It’s only a week away from my birthday and I can’t think of any reason as to why I could give much of a fuck to get out of the house and be around anyone.  I couldn’t be any more miserable.  Some blame it on the hormones I’m taking without prescription.  I know me well, though.  This is just what I do.  Anyone who’s known me for more than 5 years can say they know me in this predicament.

This has nothing to do with hormones.  This has nothing to do with love.  This has nothing to do with anything suggested.

I’ve been at this since January… JANUARY!!! I’ve accomplished nothing.  No hormones.  No vocal changes.  Even work sucks.  It’s pathetic to me… I am to fault.

I feel as if I am lying to myself when I say I like my image.  I really couldn’t be more upset about every inch of my body.  I’m failing myself to make any of this happen.

My family thinks I’m crazy… I’m just a freak.  I’m sure I’m just tolerated by many friends.  Hell.. I can’t even push the pronoun change on people because I don’t want to feel pushy or have them feel awkward.  I’m not doing myself any favors here.  I wanted to get to my counselor this week, but I couldn’t make an appointment in time.  Another two weeks I’m gonna have to wait to see her.  It’s been since May since I last went.   I’ve gone from incredibly happy to now being more miserable than a cat in a blender.

A tortured mind,
An indentured soul,
To a body I never wished to hold.
Well I’m stubborn,
And I’m a bother,
I hold more tears inside,
Than I will ever tell.

Alone and destructive,
I will pass the blues.
I will forget my existence.
I will depart from my whole.
Forgive me when I speak.
I can only promise that soon….
I will pass the blues.

Yep… and now I’m laying down to some sappy music…

Joslyn

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About joslynalana

I'm just a girl trying to make it in the world.

2 responses to “Just Like Your Cupboards… I’m Completely Empty

  1. janisesch ⋅

    Hey Josyln, hang in there. I respect the hell out of your decision to transition; you’re doing what’s in your heart and that’s worth everything. I can’t even imagine how tough it must be. Maybe what you need is to check out the trans community in New Orleans so you don’t feel quite so alone. Take care, dear. And don’t feel down on yourself–you are drop-dead gorgeous. Mean it. 🙂

    • Thanks janis.. I’ve emailed my counselor to schedule an appointment to see her again… I can’t be in this state of mind anymore. It’s been since May since I’ve talked to her.

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