Lost Connection

After dealing with about 6 weeks of a strong spiral into depression, I am completely ready to pull myself out.  I have outed many… way too many people.  I am now feeling just completely terrible about it.  

I had a dream last night and it reminded me of why I am friends with so many people.  I wake up and remember that I’ve screwed it all up.  To them, especially, I am truly sorry.  

I’m still trying to understand how to deal with these new levels of extremes in my emotions.  Hormones are an insanely strong thing.  I had no idea when I started that this could be possible.  Now, with my neglect, I am risking losing everything I had here in this city.  I have threatened to leave with no place to go.  Why?  Because when life gets rough I run away.  

My two best friends, the most amazing lovers I’ve ever known, have taken probably the most of my angst.  Katy…… Shanece…. I am sorry.  I’m stupid.

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Trust Your Wrong Turns

a friend of mine (a well bestowed street performer, an amazing character, and a wonderful slight artist) is currently going from Florida to his home in Seatle. This is a small snippet of his story. A piece that I’d like to share because I relate a lot with being stereotyped. Be it by police or not. Be it that i am a street performer or that I am very androgynous (mostly feminine). I’ve been told I’m a vagrant before and treated like dirt for their neglect to understand that the 9-5 life is not the only one in the world. We do not beg. We are people without a venue to entertain and the streets have a place for that. People are there and they enjoy us being there. If I was a beggar… If he was a beggar… I’m sure we’d see them before they got there out of sheer paranoia.

We are the artists of today. Still looked down on by society when there is no sponsorship logo pinned to our bodies.

The End of an Era

I’ve overreacted at times, and I’ve apologized to those who did and did not deserve it.  I’ve struggled and I have admitted to my own faults, yet, I am still cast aside as a nuisance.  I’m told that I’m still a friend, but I’m treated like a person who is only useful at times.  I don’t want to be that person to anyone.  I want to be appreciated for me, and if you can’t give me a reason as to why you’re having me around, then it’s obvious that I shouldn’t be around.

I’ve enjoyed what I have obtained from people: time, compassion, what was shared.  I can’t stick around and hope that one day I’ll matter to someone.  I won’t.  I’ve been at it alone since I started.  It’s wise to continue on that path.  People just take what they want and will leave you broken and hopeless.  

So, now I am looking for a way to get out west.  I’m looking for a large city to continue doing my act and to build up and on to greater things.  San Diego? San Francisco? Las Vegas? Las Angelos? Seatle? Portland?  I don’t know.  One of these places has to be useful.  I’ll go with or without a home.  The streets have sheltered me before and I’ll let it shelter me again if it has to be that way.

Somewhere Along In The Bitterness

Well, not that many people have been following my last few post, but I’ve been in an incredibly low mood as of late.  I’ve reacted in poor ways with people.  I’ve pushed people away.  I’ve been making sure that people can’t keep in contact of me.  I feel like I need a reset of my life.

I’m a little bit scared still to make this happen, but after debating it for a couple of days I feel like what I’m going to do is definitely a wise decision.  I have to make money first over the weekend.  I’d like to at least have a couple of days to recover from this before I go back out to work.  I do believe this will be hard, as this journey I go through tends to be for most.  

Cleansing myself of people in my life is never an easy task.  New Orleans is a beautiful place, but it’s beginning to be quite dull.  I’m in need of new surroundings completely.  

I want to look at the crowd when I go out this weekend thinking “you guys are going to pay for my ticket out of here.”  I want to be in high spirits.  I’ve needed a goal.  Leaving is a good goal when I’m in a city that I feel can only continue to defeat me.

I don’t expect to find peace by moving somewhere else, but I do miss the joy of not feeling stuck.  The thought that there’s so much more out there is weighing heavy on me.  This is my journey, and this is how I hope to grow.  Shaking myself free of the stress, the drama, the financial struggle, and the shackles of material objects once again.  

Empty, lost, confused, scared, and careless.  

I’m somewhere in that region.  When I think about my life and where I want it to go, I seriously don’t have a direction.  I don’t see myself becoming much of anything.  My friends doubt me and I’m beginning to see that they are right.  I talk a lot and do a lot of nothing.  All in all… useless.

Nobody asks me to come around.  Nobody comes to visit me.  I spend my time in my head…. alone.  My home is boring.  My life is boring.  My skills are nothing more than time I have wasted.  Every time I find someone flirting, I’m let down because they like me, but I’ll never be good enough to fit for any of them.  

No love.  No appreciation.  No TRUE friends.  I have some great friends, btw, but I couldn’t say a single one of them would go to the end of the world and back with me.  People like me… for about the first 15 minutes, then they move on.  This is how my life goes.  I’m used to it.  I get it. Yet, I’m totally sick of it. 

All I want is a best friend.  Someone who speaks to me.  Someone who actually enjoys my company.  I believe I’ll find that one day.  I’m beginning to think New Orleans will not support me in my venture anymore.  

I don’t even know what I’m ranting about anymore…. I just hate everything and this is what I do when I feel this way.  

A friend a day…. that would be nice.

i’m really losing sight of things anymore.  pills, sharp objects, rope…. even bug bombs…. I try and try and try to find it in myself that I’m important to someone…. I don’t feel it though…. someone can tell you they care all day long…. showing they care is a whole different story.  Don’t treat me like I’m broken and say “things will get better” as you go off to do something while ditching me on the spot.

thanks… everybody… seriously… fuck you all.