Conquering Love? Or Loving To Conquer?

I feel like I’ve failed to express myself as of late.  As if my views have been left dry due to self-pity and perhaps a bit of fear about the reality I am presenting myself as.  I had to pause the other night due to ‘the cup throwing incident’ and reflect on it.  I questioned myself, “self…. am I ready for this? Is this the fact that I see fit for myself?” It took me only a couple of hours to fully convince myself that yes,  I am on the right path.  To give up would only lead me back to where I started.  Back to a place where I don’t feel comfortable being who I am.  A place that I feel more empty than is ever imaginable to sustain emotional survival.

I wonder, though, what it is that I seek still.  I haven’t quite found myself, but I’ve jumped that hurdle by now.  I lack any sort of goal, though.  I at the very least need a goal.  There is no point to anything really if I don’t have a goal.  Even the idea that I’m just going to enjoy life has that simple ideal of a goal:  ENJOY.  I lack even that.  I feel like I seek too often the acceptance of others who  have already given every inch of acceptance.  I still feel like a broken wheel.  Like I am just something of a defect.  I have no one in my life to go to for that deep emotional comfort you get with love.

I love my family.  I love my son.  I love my friends.  To not have a person close enough to even flirt with is disastrous to a soul in my opinion.  There is a lot of expression that happens through that.  You don’t need a relationship to enjoy the simple feeling that you seek and label as ‘love.’ Love comes and goes like a flower.  It blossoms.  It dies.  Sometimes it comes back in that same spot, but sometimes a seed has been spread and a very similar flower blossoms elsewhere.  I am at a point where I feel like all my seeds of love have died.  I don’t feel like I can find enough comfort in my own self to allow someone to love me.  I don’t want to feel like I am the reason for someone’s life not going in the direction they want to go.  Most of the time… I let the worst of society get to me and I just feel utter disgust in myself as a person.  This is the struggle I feel daily.

All I do anymore is go week to week without any set goal other than pay my bills.  I’ve situated myself into a lifestyle where I can get away from the typical work, sleep, work, sleep routine.  I have not yet found a comfortable medium on how to enjoy my life.  I don’t.  I still don’t enjoy what I have.  I like who I am at this point, but I really don’t know how get out of this shell.  I am hiding and I don’t know what I’m hiding from any more.

Then again there is also the question of ‘when is it love and when is it lust?’  This is very difficult to decipher.  I do feel both go together well, but I want to know (for my own personal reasons) does this person have what I need and do I have something to offer?  I fully believe there is a void in everyone’s life that is filled by that special type of love.  In most relationships that I see fail it is very evident that at least one party is not doing well with the situation.  I think in love you must want to fill that void for your partner, but not in order for you to fill your own.  Selfishness is one of the biggest things I see wrong when people come to me with there relationship problems.  If you can want to bring something to someone without ever expecting a return then you have defeated the selfish action that most people take, though, this still does not constitute to perfection.  You must still be able to meet the needs of the other and vice versa, thus why it is called ‘compatibility.’

I don’t really want much more than to know that someone smiles because of me.  It is a feeling I truly miss.  No one is here for me in good or bad.  No one knows I cry.  No one knows I smile.  I just continue on as another person walking the streets (a passer-by per say) saying hello and goodbye to people that mean something, but not as much as the meaning could be if that person was the one who lives because of me.

What I want in itself is selfish.  WANT.  It just is selfish in its own meaning.  I like to look at it as ‘need.’  I need this love so I can feel stable in life.  It is how I function to my fullest.

My life is dormant and sick because I no longer function well.
My heart is a workhorse for a needless soul.
I defeat myself with constant sorrow.
A sorrow grown from negligence of my self,
And my true being that I am afraid to own.



Brainstorming And A Quick Cup Shower

So, I’m getting really bad now at keeping up on here.  The last week has been hard to do much, though.  I’ve had this miserable tooth pain that almost doesn’t want to stop.  Numbing…. that is my solution for now.

I’ve been thinking extremely hard about my work as I am making this transition.  I love the transformer costume.  It is an amazing piece of work, even in the state that it is in.  It’s amazing to some, but I see more with it.  My interests are beginning to shift my ideas.  I think I have something that is going to still be different, but much more accessible for me to transition to a girl.  I wont lie, though, if I had been practicing the voice things… this would be a done deal now as the transformer.  I want a totally new image, though.  Everyone out there knows me as “Josh” the transformer.  I don’t want that image.  Even if it’s “Josh” the transformer who is transitioning, I don’t want it.  I will start fresh.  Yes, people will recognize me from the transformer, but those people know me.  The people who see me with the new act that saw the transformer months ago wont connect those two.  Thus, I find this solution to suit me well.

I wish I could describe what I am doing, but I’ve come to realize that I don’t share ideas.  I only share finished products.  I’d rather be copied than to be completely robbed of the idea.  Either way, I’d obviously be upset, but I’m just referencing to the bad.

I can say that the new act will have a them that I’m ecstatic to attempt and it’s mostly thankful to a Swedish musician who does Japanese music.

I think it’s just overly cute enough to make what I want to make happen work.

Okay, so, enough of the work ideas.  Let me tell you what happened tonight as I’m riding home from a good friend of mine’s house.  I’m riding down St. Claude only 7 blocks or so from home.  I hear a thud on a car and a truck pass by me that was driving very close.  From the car came, “Damn! I missed!”

These assholes actually tried to hit me with their drink.  I was in complete shock.  Usually I would react with anger.  Things in me have obviously changed.  Where I would have usually followed them to express my anger, I instead wanted to stop and cry right where I was.  For the first time since I’ve started this transition,  I truly felt like a disgusting piece of trash in society.  In our ‘American’ society I should say.

So many people out there just have no respect what so ever about people and the ways they choose to live.  Granted I do strongly believe that many, many more people are respectful, but it still disturbs me how people can have such little hearts.  I can only be thankful that they didn’t actually hit me with their cup.  I still haven’t really figured out how I feel about the situation.  It was disheartening for me to be treated like that.  The rest of the bike ride home I just wanted to be invisible to the world.  I didn’t even want to exist.  As soon as I made it in the house all was forgotten… at least until I took care of that throbbing tooth ache.

Somehow I can still feel like I deserve that cup on me.  Knowing that at one point in time in my own teenage youth,  I have definitely thrown a cup at someone.  I too missed… then I felt bad about it hahaha… I hope these people feel resentment towards their action, but I strongly doubt that to be the case.

I still wish them the best of their days (as I shake my fist at them)



A Girl With Problems, A Girl With Confidence

Well it seems I am also late to follow up with my “I’m late” post.

Anywho…. I am here and writing now.  I’ve just been continuing on in my journey to stay alive.  Work is not giving me much to work with lately, but this was kind of expected at this time of the year.  After this month I should be able to do more with myself as far as finances go.  Christmas is like a revival of my income, thankfully.

Hormones.  I’m still on them and ready to go back to the doctor for a second visit.  I’ll call tomorrow and schedule my appointment.  I will say that I’ve waited longer than I had anticipated, but I should be able to survive.  I’ve written in the past that I had budding breasts, but tonight I felt my left one and thought “Wow! That really is quite a lump.”  These things are now impossible to hide.  If I try to grab anything from up high I’m feeling pain in my chest because the shirt is pulling on the lumps.  I do believe I have one of my greatest fears ahead of me: Dealing with the social acceptance of me having breasts.  I am totally excited to see this coming, but I am soooo scared of the ignorant people that are out there.  People can be so rude and tasteless.

My other fear is my voice.  I’ve slacked for far too long to make it happen.  I don’t want to be the girl with a man’s voice.  I hate every second of it.  I hate to even talk in public.  I hate to be seen only because I fear being spoken to.  I don’t worry so much about my appearance, but what is actually going on in the person’s mind who has me before them who is almost certainly thinking, “this is a man.”  I don’t mind at all that someone thinks that.  That is fine.  I just don’t need to know that is what they are thinking.  So, if they hadn’t been thinking it, when I do speak they will be.

This problem needs fixed ASAP.  I’ve youtubed many different videos.  I understand what people have done.  I just need to get enough courage to make it a habit to talk in a different manner so I can get as close to a feminine voice as possible.  Time will help with that.  The muscle will tone and eventually it will be simple.  Through practice I should be able to work on tone and articulation (which is absolutely important, believe it or not).  The way I talk now is very masculine, very drone like.  This is not how I wish to sound.  I want much more emphasis, much more emotion, much more enjoyment when I speak.  I want to say things in a way that make people smile, not just say things that make people smile.

I guess I should address my personal daily attire while I’m at it.  Having thrown out all my ‘boy’ clothes back in April and only allowing myself my ‘girl’ clothes.  I’ve almost completely accomplished getting over my fear of social criticism of that.  I do still have a thing about skirts and dresses.  I hate my legs dearly.  I always wear leggings/knee high socks.  I don’t wear tank tops or short sleeved shirts that show a lot of my biceps.  My muscle is still very large there.  It screams ‘boy’ when I see them.  I don’t want to lose my strength, but I do want some muscle mass to just… go away.

‘Man’ hair.  I’ve notice a slight stalling in the growth of the hair on my face and chest regions.  It’s not very profound of a difference.  I do notice that my day one post shaving has much less growth than before.  Day two I definitely have a significant shadow.  I’ve been unable to decide if I can see a difference in the thickness of the hair.  I’ve still been shaving my chest, as well.  I had said before that I’d never do this again and that I would start waxing.  Turns out… waxing hurts a lot.  HAHAHAHAHA.   So, I’m still shaving all my body hair, and I have noticed that I’m having less and less issues with the in growns and infection.  Maybe this is due to a difference in skin maintenance.  I don’t know exactly.  I do appreciate it dearly, though.  No one wants sore bumps all over.

Anyways… this is where I leave you tonight…

OH!! I never posted my Halloween get-up!! So I leave you with this.




Long Story Short…

So, it’s definitely been a while since I’ve posted on here.  I’m gonna guess without looking about two months.

Where to begin is the question.

I’ve gone to a doctor and received Estradiol 4mg doses.  Been on those for two months now.  I haven’t noticed too much of a change yet, but the changes are there.  Hair has slowed (granted not to the extremes that I’d prefer).  Breast growth has started more than when I was taking birth control, but still a slow process.

I’ve still yet to be met with any fierce and ferocious obstacles in life pertaining to my transition, but I’m sure they’re just around the corner like every other terror of life.  For the most part I’ve continued to be accepted more and more by people.

I’m still very, very shy about speaking in public, but this is mostly due to my lack of voice practice.  My voice is still being used in the range I wish to not use.  I’ve not practiced in about 5 months now 😦 …. shame on me.  I think I’ll spend the next few weeks working on this and let you people know how that goes.

Work on the other hand, I’ve had to deal with more than my fair share of idiocracy.  There is this seargant who likes to come by and tell me I’m blocking the sidewalk and that I can’t work where I’m working even though it’s the exact same thing that’s going on at the opposite corner, yet, there is no issue with the guy there.  I don’t understand the intent of this guy yet.  I’ve looked into every accusation (the restaurant complaining, the 50 foot distance violation, even the blocking of the sidewalk).  Every accusation I’ve found to be false and that I am functioning within the means of the laws.  We’ve been notified of 2 new ordinances that will go into affect if nothing is done about them (no date has been set for a vote yet).  One which will remove all persons from the streets surrounding the square from 1am-5am, thus making the whole area a ‘park’.  This would be bad for us.  Two, a law requiring perfectly clear lanes and thus adding my work space into the mentioned area that would be not workable by the ordinance.  I’ll keep this updated as regularly as possible.

I’ve finally gotten back on a speaking level with my mother, not nearly as strong as before, but I don’t think I converse with anyone like I did 8 months ago.  I’m keeping to myself and just trying to focus on the transition as much as possible.  All is well, though. 🙂

I have a lot of things that have been floating around on my mind lately and I would like to get those posted on here soon, too.  Right now, though, it is incredibly late and I can’t think of a thing.  I had a whole list of questions I was hoping to get some feedback on… so, I’ll get back to those later.

I would love to push the idea of questions, though.  If you read this and I’m forgetting to mention anything… Inquire… PLEASE.  I need motivation to write….

Love you all!!!


Just Like Your Cupboards… I’m Completely Empty

It’s only a week away from my birthday and I can’t think of any reason as to why I could give much of a fuck to get out of the house and be around anyone.  I couldn’t be any more miserable.  Some blame it on the hormones I’m taking without prescription.  I know me well, though.  This is just what I do.  Anyone who’s known me for more than 5 years can say they know me in this predicament.

This has nothing to do with hormones.  This has nothing to do with love.  This has nothing to do with anything suggested.

I’ve been at this since January… JANUARY!!! I’ve accomplished nothing.  No hormones.  No vocal changes.  Even work sucks.  It’s pathetic to me… I am to fault.

I feel as if I am lying to myself when I say I like my image.  I really couldn’t be more upset about every inch of my body.  I’m failing myself to make any of this happen.

My family thinks I’m crazy… I’m just a freak.  I’m sure I’m just tolerated by many friends.  Hell.. I can’t even push the pronoun change on people because I don’t want to feel pushy or have them feel awkward.  I’m not doing myself any favors here.  I wanted to get to my counselor this week, but I couldn’t make an appointment in time.  Another two weeks I’m gonna have to wait to see her.  It’s been since May since I last went.   I’ve gone from incredibly happy to now being more miserable than a cat in a blender.

A tortured mind,
An indentured soul,
To a body I never wished to hold.
Well I’m stubborn,
And I’m a bother,
I hold more tears inside,
Than I will ever tell.

Alone and destructive,
I will pass the blues.
I will forget my existence.
I will depart from my whole.
Forgive me when I speak.
I can only promise that soon….
I will pass the blues.

Yep… and now I’m laying down to some sappy music…


A Whirlpool In The Sky And A Night Like Our Fire Inside!

So once again I go quite a span of time without writing.  Busy I have been.  Between Hurricane Isaac and work, I’ve failed to find time.  So, here I am again.

Life has had its way with me these last couple of weeks.  I just find myself stressed and then superbly happy and then back to stressed again.  Isaac was not good on me with all my worrying that I wouldn’t make a dime on a busy weekend as Southern Decadence tends to be.  I managed to overcome that  and make a typical weekends pay.  I got my rent paid and now back to working on the other delinquent bills again.  I always worry about way too much.  I finally got to see my pictures from the photo shoot, and I must say,  these pictures are quite amazing for me.  I do look them over and see flaws in myself, which I do plan to fix.

I’m such a perfectionist at times.  I can never achieve what I aim for and when I get there i set the bar higher than the day before.  Always working to achieve better.  That is always my goal.

My biggest issues as of late are the feelings I get when people I’ve known forever are not using the name I’ve chosen.  Some people just don’t know any better, some, on the other hand,  have just not felt comfortable with it I’m going to assume.  My foot will begin to go down on this soon.   I am doing this and I expect people to continue on with me.  I don’t ask for much, just a bit of respect for what it is that I am going for.  This is me, and this is who I am.

September is finally here, too!!! What does that mean???? MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

September 15 will be an amazing night out with some of my closest friends in the city.  We will party ’til there is no more party to party!!! I can’t even imagine how or when that will be.  I will be decked out and fancily dressed.  I expect the rest to do the same.  We march as a Krewe… we are not tourists.  WE ARE A PART OF THIS CITY; WE WILL TAKE THE NIGHT!

Life for me as of late has been quite nice apart from the stress, though.  I am still here, and I am taking everything from life that I can.

Love life with me!!



Making Beautiful The Already Beautiful

Been a long week.  I don’t know even what day it was that I last posted.  I’d go check, but I’m lazy.

Ok. First off: Work.

Work has been fairly slow for me lately.  Especially this last weekend where it just rained and rained and rained.   I’m still struggling to get caught up on the bills that are dragging me down.  I am so ready for summer to be over.  Oh well.. this is the profession I chose.  It has its ups and it has its downs.  As far as coming out at work goes, I am still slowly putting pieces together for people.  I still dare not to play the part, even though there really isn’t much of a part to play.  I am who I am, and behind a mask, at work, I will stay.  What these people know from the obvious is all they need to know.  I don’t think it’s necessary for me to tell every passer by “hey! call me she not he.”  I’ve given them no hints and I’m only out there to work.  I would love for it to be the other way around, but I have my patience and in due time I will get the respect from those who do not know me as well.  I do not need to demand it.  Those who know and love me give me everything I need.

It is now week 12 of eating birth control and I can say that these truly are the buds of titties.  I have no idea to what extent this pill is effecting my body.  I’ve failed to take measurements, and at this point I really just don’t want to anyways.  With my patience my body will manifest.  I am continually seeing myself in the light that I want to.  I look in the mirror and 75% of the time I do see the girl I am.  This makes me happy.  My hair is beginning to get to a length where I am ready to cut it and have it styled.

This is quite the milestone for me.

This will truly help me create the image I seek.

As far as other things go, I’ve just finished a photo shoot today.  It was truly an amazing experience.  I had a wonderful photographer, Jeffrey Dupuis ( ), and I also had an amazing makeup artist to work with me, of whom I do not have contact info for at this moment.  We spent about 3 hours going around and shooting pics of me and I felt absolutely fabulous!!!  I can now only wait to see Jeffrey’s work.

Afterwards I came home and didn’t even want to take the makeup off.  I passed out and woke up.. it was still perfect.  I have never felt so amazingly gorgeous as I did today.  I only hope that one day I can recreate her work.

OK! so much for talking and talking and talking about it.  Here is a pic that I took as soon as I made it home:

Me after I got home from the photo shoot

Oh and I almost forgot.  I also went to an event at a place here called Mardi Gras World where there was an event held named The Halfway To Mardi Gras Staycation Ball.  I went there to juggle free of charge and just collect tips.  It was not very well lit (which makes it hard to juggle), plus it was mildly raining outside all evening.  Needless to say it funded me nothing.  I did however manage to find the bar and OH MY GOSH was I ever so plastered.  Any who.. here is also a picture from this event:

So now.. until next time.. make sure you subscribe and share… It will only make me love you more!!



Assuredly Repugnant

After everything I’ve put myself up to… after all that I’ve held myself through… after every word that I’ve spoken of keeping strong and holding myself above the water, I still find myself unable to keep myself there for more than a matter of hours.  During work, there are those moments.  When I wake… when I spend my time through the day… before I go to sleep… I can’t help but feel myself lower myself beneath the world.  I don’t want to live as a boy, yet, I don’t ever feel myself living as a girl.  My happiness comes from moments of blocking out reality.. not embracing.  I do not love myself for what I am.  I don’t ever see what I’d prefer.  I just want to be cute… and all I are odd looks.

I am not a side show.  I am just human.  I am lost.  I am unfortunate, but mostly… I am being defeated.  Nothing I can do has brought me any closer to finding peace in my own head.  If anything, it has only allowed me to express more of what I hate about this life.  I’m just a walking ball of depression ingesting hormones to make sure that feeling is continued.  I don’t appreciate in the least bit the cards I was given.  I don’t care to deal with it.  I hate it.  The world does not want what I am.  I am not understood and there for I am overlooked until I am needed.  I try so hard just to be labeled as I wish not to be.  This is what I am doomed to.

I am a mistake with a personal mistake.
I am a ‘crazy’ with no hope for sanity.
I am a disgusting creature hoping for beauty.
I am a girl confined to a boy.

I can run my mind in circles around this idea, yet, I do not wish to.  I leave these thoughts here.


The Pains of Growing

I feel as if so little is happening with my life right now when I compare it to what is going on with my body.  I’ve made a lot of changes in my life in the last 6 months.  My wardrobe has changed.  My preference for gender pronoun has changed.  My income has even changed.  I have still not found a doctor to work with me, and, thus,  I have resorted to using birth control pills to get a mild difference.  It’s been almost 8 weeks now and I’ve seen my hair get thinner and more blonde on my torso and arms.  Mammary glands have started to grow and swell.  This hurts by the way.

I came home from work on Friday and took off my shirt just to look down and think to myself, “Self, your breasts are beginning to show.”  I was happy and excited, yet, I was also wondering what I am going to do about working in the French Quarter.  I still debate using a binder to hide it because I don’t want people to be freaked out by it and decide they are too disgusted to tip me.  This could affect my income greatly.  This is something I greatly want, but I find myself still trying to hide it.   I relish my days off of work because what people think about me doesn’t affect anything I’m doing.

As far as work goes, I’ve been having some decent days.  I’m not making a million dollars or anything, but I can make a typical 10/hr jobs wage in just 2 days tops.  People continue to tell me how much they love what I do.  I have people tell me every weekend that they were told I was the best act in the city.  This really makes me smile.  I only wish they could understand that I am not a man.  I am a woman in this body.  I don’t know yet how to change that.

As I write this I am being messaged on Facebook by an amazing friend of mine trying to entice me to go out to a bar with her.  She says “You will come out and sit on my lap!”  I obediantly say yes ma’am.  So now I will spend the next 2 hours picking out a cute skirt to wear and a top to put on.  Makeup these days is super simple.

So… Time to get sexy-fied and go mingle out in the Quarter.

Until next time,


Inevitable is the spiral

OK, so, I haven’t posted in about two weeks at this point.  I had a great weekend at work two weeks ago and had a terrible weekend the last week.  As far as my life goes, I’ve been all over the charts.  I can look in the mirror and love myself.  I can dress cute and feel cute.  I can get every aspect I want down to the point that I feel like I am as cute as a girl as I can be.  I can not be that girl, though.  Sometimes I don’t allow it.  When I do I can’t take my mind off the idea that my anatomy is completely incorrect.

I go to sleep each now feeling great, then the dreams hit.  I wake up and BAM! Reality hits again.  I’m still a boy.  I feel as if I’m lying to myself anymore these days.  Have I done everything I can to make me happy? Or have I made my life harder by coming out to the world and losing the family I had?

I have a huge support group of friends.  I have a great life. I have a great self-employed job.  I hate myself.  I am not the human I was meant to be.  I’ve lost out on many years of life that I spent trying to hide who I am.  Avoiding words like “fag”, “queer”, etc.  I can only ask myself if avoiding the names was worth it.  After puberty hit.. I was practically doomed.  I was lucky to have the face of my mother.  I have features of my dad and I intend to get those covered up eventually (i.e. my nose, my hairline).

I feel at this moment that I myself need vagina, but not in the sense that any boy or lesbian would want vagina.  I want my own.  I hate this penis.  I hate hate HATE the way it looks, feels, and just IS.  Yet, in the same idea I need it as well.  I want this to hurry up.  The quicker it is gonna the sooner IT is here.  I will never know how I should feel, but I’m trying my hardest to get as close as possible to the goal.

I can only keep telling myself I’m strong enough for this.