Beyond the Shades

Aside from my momentary lapses of life, I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I’ve seen a lot in myself that has lacked any attention at all.  Ashamed, I am not.  Determined, perhaps, but never ashamed.  

Character flaws.  I have seen many.  One thing about me: I always enjoy a good laugh.  I don’t care for my persistence in habitually making a joke disregarding the whole scenario.  I’m never being insensitive.  I just space out. I conjure up the joke, and speak as if I hadn’t the world would end (being metaphoric, btw 😉 ). I do have issues with my Tourette’s still.  My physical tics more dominant than any vocal tics.  I fear everyday that I’ll get lost on a vocal tic again…. such a terrible fear…. now I appear to be rambling… hahahahaha….. but seriously…

My general appreciation for myself.  I find myself disgusted of myself way too often.  I want to change that.  Being upset for what I’ve let go is no reason to not try and keep what I have.  I speak most about my dental needs.  It’s a major hate of mine.  My teeth have come to a point where I’m in want of repair so bad, that I’m willing to beg someone to help me.  It’s been 14 years since I’ve been to a dentist.  I’m scared.  When it comes to a doctor, I still react the same as I did when I was 7.  Any Doctor.  I just wish to smile…. My skin has been a lack of interest to me as well.  What good I have done, I undid.  It’s not a losing battle thankfully.  Skin is a bit easier to repair than teeth.

My Performance.  I don’t think I even take myself seriously anymore.  I just do a lot of talking.  Change, I will need.  I intend to do that.  I will be instead of dream.  I’m so tired of dreaming.  I’m awake.  I’m alive.  (<<<hahaha… just realized I quoted Godsmack… shame on me 😛 ) Mostly, though, I’m free and have a creative opportunity that most people could only dream about.  Taking hold of that is necessity, at this point.

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Lost Connection

After dealing with about 6 weeks of a strong spiral into depression, I am completely ready to pull myself out.  I have outed many… way too many people.  I am now feeling just completely terrible about it.  

I had a dream last night and it reminded me of why I am friends with so many people.  I wake up and remember that I’ve screwed it all up.  To them, especially, I am truly sorry.  

I’m still trying to understand how to deal with these new levels of extremes in my emotions.  Hormones are an insanely strong thing.  I had no idea when I started that this could be possible.  Now, with my neglect, I am risking losing everything I had here in this city.  I have threatened to leave with no place to go.  Why?  Because when life gets rough I run away.  

My two best friends, the most amazing lovers I’ve ever known, have taken probably the most of my angst.  Katy…… Shanece…. I am sorry.  I’m stupid.

Trust Your Wrong Turns

a friend of mine (a well bestowed street performer, an amazing character, and a wonderful slight artist) is currently going from Florida to his home in Seatle. This is a small snippet of his story. A piece that I’d like to share because I relate a lot with being stereotyped. Be it by police or not. Be it that i am a street performer or that I am very androgynous (mostly feminine). I’ve been told I’m a vagrant before and treated like dirt for their neglect to understand that the 9-5 life is not the only one in the world. We do not beg. We are people without a venue to entertain and the streets have a place for that. People are there and they enjoy us being there. If I was a beggar… If he was a beggar… I’m sure we’d see them before they got there out of sheer paranoia.

We are the artists of today. Still looked down on by society when there is no sponsorship logo pinned to our bodies.

The End of an Era

I’ve overreacted at times, and I’ve apologized to those who did and did not deserve it.  I’ve struggled and I have admitted to my own faults, yet, I am still cast aside as a nuisance.  I’m told that I’m still a friend, but I’m treated like a person who is only useful at times.  I don’t want to be that person to anyone.  I want to be appreciated for me, and if you can’t give me a reason as to why you’re having me around, then it’s obvious that I shouldn’t be around.

I’ve enjoyed what I have obtained from people: time, compassion, what was shared.  I can’t stick around and hope that one day I’ll matter to someone.  I won’t.  I’ve been at it alone since I started.  It’s wise to continue on that path.  People just take what they want and will leave you broken and hopeless.  

So, now I am looking for a way to get out west.  I’m looking for a large city to continue doing my act and to build up and on to greater things.  San Diego? San Francisco? Las Vegas? Las Angelos? Seatle? Portland?  I don’t know.  One of these places has to be useful.  I’ll go with or without a home.  The streets have sheltered me before and I’ll let it shelter me again if it has to be that way.

Somewhere Along In The Bitterness

Well, not that many people have been following my last few post, but I’ve been in an incredibly low mood as of late.  I’ve reacted in poor ways with people.  I’ve pushed people away.  I’ve been making sure that people can’t keep in contact of me.  I feel like I need a reset of my life.

I’m a little bit scared still to make this happen, but after debating it for a couple of days I feel like what I’m going to do is definitely a wise decision.  I have to make money first over the weekend.  I’d like to at least have a couple of days to recover from this before I go back out to work.  I do believe this will be hard, as this journey I go through tends to be for most.  

Cleansing myself of people in my life is never an easy task.  New Orleans is a beautiful place, but it’s beginning to be quite dull.  I’m in need of new surroundings completely.  

I want to look at the crowd when I go out this weekend thinking “you guys are going to pay for my ticket out of here.”  I want to be in high spirits.  I’ve needed a goal.  Leaving is a good goal when I’m in a city that I feel can only continue to defeat me.

I don’t expect to find peace by moving somewhere else, but I do miss the joy of not feeling stuck.  The thought that there’s so much more out there is weighing heavy on me.  This is my journey, and this is how I hope to grow.  Shaking myself free of the stress, the drama, the financial struggle, and the shackles of material objects once again.  

Empty, lost, confused, scared, and careless.  

I’m somewhere in that region.  When I think about my life and where I want it to go, I seriously don’t have a direction.  I don’t see myself becoming much of anything.  My friends doubt me and I’m beginning to see that they are right.  I talk a lot and do a lot of nothing.  All in all… useless.

Nobody asks me to come around.  Nobody comes to visit me.  I spend my time in my head…. alone.  My home is boring.  My life is boring.  My skills are nothing more than time I have wasted.  Every time I find someone flirting, I’m let down because they like me, but I’ll never be good enough to fit for any of them.  

No love.  No appreciation.  No TRUE friends.  I have some great friends, btw, but I couldn’t say a single one of them would go to the end of the world and back with me.  People like me… for about the first 15 minutes, then they move on.  This is how my life goes.  I’m used to it.  I get it. Yet, I’m totally sick of it. 

All I want is a best friend.  Someone who speaks to me.  Someone who actually enjoys my company.  I believe I’ll find that one day.  I’m beginning to think New Orleans will not support me in my venture anymore.  

I don’t even know what I’m ranting about anymore…. I just hate everything and this is what I do when I feel this way.  

A friend a day…. that would be nice.

i’m really losing sight of things anymore.  pills, sharp objects, rope…. even bug bombs…. I try and try and try to find it in myself that I’m important to someone…. I don’t feel it though…. someone can tell you they care all day long…. showing they care is a whole different story.  Don’t treat me like I’m broken and say “things will get better” as you go off to do something while ditching me on the spot.

thanks… everybody… seriously… fuck you all.

Like a fish in the sea… For you I’m just feed.

So I’ve been in a lost little part of my own little world for the past 4 or 5 months.  I struggle daily with things that I don’t discuss with anyone anymore.  Not my counselor.  Not my friends.  Not my parents.  Not even total strangers.  I’m scared.  I’m losing any kind of hope.  

Everyone just wants to say “it’s going to be ok.”  WTF is ok?  Why? How? When?  I find that I care less and less for this miserable world that we live in.  I don’t want much of anything anymore… I just want to be alone and cry.  

… and what scares me the most…. I don’t even know if I want this life anymore……..

I’m constantly being barraged with my own thoughts of how to end it… and of how i’ve tried.   

Now.. don’t take this as a suicide note, but if for no apparent reason I wasn’t around tomorrow… it would be no concern to me…..

 

J

Body and Mind

What is it all but a dream and a hope??
What have I gained? Nothing more than anxiety and a bad case of the ‘mopes’.
A fainting heart, perhaps a dream to depart.
Glossy eyes and the tears that well up inside.
Nothing more than illusions.

You lie to me as I lie to you.
I prefer to be exactly as I state myself to be.
Never will I know the truth, the pain, the reality.
I’m merely a wisp…. just a clump of madness-ity.

Conquering Love? Or Loving To Conquer?

I feel like I’ve failed to express myself as of late.  As if my views have been left dry due to self-pity and perhaps a bit of fear about the reality I am presenting myself as.  I had to pause the other night due to ‘the cup throwing incident’ and reflect on it.  I questioned myself, “self…. am I ready for this? Is this the fact that I see fit for myself?” It took me only a couple of hours to fully convince myself that yes,  I am on the right path.  To give up would only lead me back to where I started.  Back to a place where I don’t feel comfortable being who I am.  A place that I feel more empty than is ever imaginable to sustain emotional survival.

I wonder, though, what it is that I seek still.  I haven’t quite found myself, but I’ve jumped that hurdle by now.  I lack any sort of goal, though.  I at the very least need a goal.  There is no point to anything really if I don’t have a goal.  Even the idea that I’m just going to enjoy life has that simple ideal of a goal:  ENJOY.  I lack even that.  I feel like I seek too often the acceptance of others who  have already given every inch of acceptance.  I still feel like a broken wheel.  Like I am just something of a defect.  I have no one in my life to go to for that deep emotional comfort you get with love.

I love my family.  I love my son.  I love my friends.  To not have a person close enough to even flirt with is disastrous to a soul in my opinion.  There is a lot of expression that happens through that.  You don’t need a relationship to enjoy the simple feeling that you seek and label as ‘love.’ Love comes and goes like a flower.  It blossoms.  It dies.  Sometimes it comes back in that same spot, but sometimes a seed has been spread and a very similar flower blossoms elsewhere.  I am at a point where I feel like all my seeds of love have died.  I don’t feel like I can find enough comfort in my own self to allow someone to love me.  I don’t want to feel like I am the reason for someone’s life not going in the direction they want to go.  Most of the time… I let the worst of society get to me and I just feel utter disgust in myself as a person.  This is the struggle I feel daily.

All I do anymore is go week to week without any set goal other than pay my bills.  I’ve situated myself into a lifestyle where I can get away from the typical work, sleep, work, sleep routine.  I have not yet found a comfortable medium on how to enjoy my life.  I don’t.  I still don’t enjoy what I have.  I like who I am at this point, but I really don’t know how get out of this shell.  I am hiding and I don’t know what I’m hiding from any more.

Then again there is also the question of ‘when is it love and when is it lust?’  This is very difficult to decipher.  I do feel both go together well, but I want to know (for my own personal reasons) does this person have what I need and do I have something to offer?  I fully believe there is a void in everyone’s life that is filled by that special type of love.  In most relationships that I see fail it is very evident that at least one party is not doing well with the situation.  I think in love you must want to fill that void for your partner, but not in order for you to fill your own.  Selfishness is one of the biggest things I see wrong when people come to me with there relationship problems.  If you can want to bring something to someone without ever expecting a return then you have defeated the selfish action that most people take, though, this still does not constitute to perfection.  You must still be able to meet the needs of the other and vice versa, thus why it is called ‘compatibility.’

I don’t really want much more than to know that someone smiles because of me.  It is a feeling I truly miss.  No one is here for me in good or bad.  No one knows I cry.  No one knows I smile.  I just continue on as another person walking the streets (a passer-by per say) saying hello and goodbye to people that mean something, but not as much as the meaning could be if that person was the one who lives because of me.

What I want in itself is selfish.  WANT.  It just is selfish in its own meaning.  I like to look at it as ‘need.’  I need this love so I can feel stable in life.  It is how I function to my fullest.

My life is dormant and sick because I no longer function well.
My heart is a workhorse for a needless soul.
I defeat myself with constant sorrow.
A sorrow grown from negligence of my self,
And my true being that I am afraid to own.

~Joslyn~