Conquering Love? Or Loving To Conquer?

I feel like I’ve failed to express myself as of late.  As if my views have been left dry due to self-pity and perhaps a bit of fear about the reality I am presenting myself as.  I had to pause the other night due to ‘the cup throwing incident’ and reflect on it.  I questioned myself, “self…. am I ready for this? Is this the fact that I see fit for myself?” It took me only a couple of hours to fully convince myself that yes,  I am on the right path.  To give up would only lead me back to where I started.  Back to a place where I don’t feel comfortable being who I am.  A place that I feel more empty than is ever imaginable to sustain emotional survival.

I wonder, though, what it is that I seek still.  I haven’t quite found myself, but I’ve jumped that hurdle by now.  I lack any sort of goal, though.  I at the very least need a goal.  There is no point to anything really if I don’t have a goal.  Even the idea that I’m just going to enjoy life has that simple ideal of a goal:  ENJOY.  I lack even that.  I feel like I seek too often the acceptance of others who  have already given every inch of acceptance.  I still feel like a broken wheel.  Like I am just something of a defect.  I have no one in my life to go to for that deep emotional comfort you get with love.

I love my family.  I love my son.  I love my friends.  To not have a person close enough to even flirt with is disastrous to a soul in my opinion.  There is a lot of expression that happens through that.  You don’t need a relationship to enjoy the simple feeling that you seek and label as ‘love.’ Love comes and goes like a flower.  It blossoms.  It dies.  Sometimes it comes back in that same spot, but sometimes a seed has been spread and a very similar flower blossoms elsewhere.  I am at a point where I feel like all my seeds of love have died.  I don’t feel like I can find enough comfort in my own self to allow someone to love me.  I don’t want to feel like I am the reason for someone’s life not going in the direction they want to go.  Most of the time… I let the worst of society get to me and I just feel utter disgust in myself as a person.  This is the struggle I feel daily.

All I do anymore is go week to week without any set goal other than pay my bills.  I’ve situated myself into a lifestyle where I can get away from the typical work, sleep, work, sleep routine.  I have not yet found a comfortable medium on how to enjoy my life.  I don’t.  I still don’t enjoy what I have.  I like who I am at this point, but I really don’t know how get out of this shell.  I am hiding and I don’t know what I’m hiding from any more.

Then again there is also the question of ‘when is it love and when is it lust?’  This is very difficult to decipher.  I do feel both go together well, but I want to know (for my own personal reasons) does this person have what I need and do I have something to offer?  I fully believe there is a void in everyone’s life that is filled by that special type of love.  In most relationships that I see fail it is very evident that at least one party is not doing well with the situation.  I think in love you must want to fill that void for your partner, but not in order for you to fill your own.  Selfishness is one of the biggest things I see wrong when people come to me with there relationship problems.  If you can want to bring something to someone without ever expecting a return then you have defeated the selfish action that most people take, though, this still does not constitute to perfection.  You must still be able to meet the needs of the other and vice versa, thus why it is called ‘compatibility.’

I don’t really want much more than to know that someone smiles because of me.  It is a feeling I truly miss.  No one is here for me in good or bad.  No one knows I cry.  No one knows I smile.  I just continue on as another person walking the streets (a passer-by per say) saying hello and goodbye to people that mean something, but not as much as the meaning could be if that person was the one who lives because of me.

What I want in itself is selfish.  WANT.  It just is selfish in its own meaning.  I like to look at it as ‘need.’  I need this love so I can feel stable in life.  It is how I function to my fullest.

My life is dormant and sick because I no longer function well.
My heart is a workhorse for a needless soul.
I defeat myself with constant sorrow.
A sorrow grown from negligence of my self,
And my true being that I am afraid to own.

~Joslyn~

Brainstorming And A Quick Cup Shower

So, I’m getting really bad now at keeping up on here.  The last week has been hard to do much, though.  I’ve had this miserable tooth pain that almost doesn’t want to stop.  Numbing…. that is my solution for now.

I’ve been thinking extremely hard about my work as I am making this transition.  I love the transformer costume.  It is an amazing piece of work, even in the state that it is in.  It’s amazing to some, but I see more with it.  My interests are beginning to shift my ideas.  I think I have something that is going to still be different, but much more accessible for me to transition to a girl.  I wont lie, though, if I had been practicing the voice things… this would be a done deal now as the transformer.  I want a totally new image, though.  Everyone out there knows me as “Josh” the transformer.  I don’t want that image.  Even if it’s “Josh” the transformer who is transitioning, I don’t want it.  I will start fresh.  Yes, people will recognize me from the transformer, but those people know me.  The people who see me with the new act that saw the transformer months ago wont connect those two.  Thus, I find this solution to suit me well.

I wish I could describe what I am doing, but I’ve come to realize that I don’t share ideas.  I only share finished products.  I’d rather be copied than to be completely robbed of the idea.  Either way, I’d obviously be upset, but I’m just referencing to the bad.

I can say that the new act will have a them that I’m ecstatic to attempt and it’s mostly thankful to a Swedish musician who does Japanese music.

I think it’s just overly cute enough to make what I want to make happen work.

Okay, so, enough of the work ideas.  Let me tell you what happened tonight as I’m riding home from a good friend of mine’s house.  I’m riding down St. Claude only 7 blocks or so from home.  I hear a thud on a car and a truck pass by me that was driving very close.  From the car came, “Damn! I missed!”

These assholes actually tried to hit me with their drink.  I was in complete shock.  Usually I would react with anger.  Things in me have obviously changed.  Where I would have usually followed them to express my anger, I instead wanted to stop and cry right where I was.  For the first time since I’ve started this transition,  I truly felt like a disgusting piece of trash in society.  In our ‘American’ society I should say.

So many people out there just have no respect what so ever about people and the ways they choose to live.  Granted I do strongly believe that many, many more people are respectful, but it still disturbs me how people can have such little hearts.  I can only be thankful that they didn’t actually hit me with their cup.  I still haven’t really figured out how I feel about the situation.  It was disheartening for me to be treated like that.  The rest of the bike ride home I just wanted to be invisible to the world.  I didn’t even want to exist.  As soon as I made it in the house all was forgotten… at least until I took care of that throbbing tooth ache.

Somehow I can still feel like I deserve that cup on me.  Knowing that at one point in time in my own teenage youth,  I have definitely thrown a cup at someone.  I too missed… then I felt bad about it hahaha… I hope these people feel resentment towards their action, but I strongly doubt that to be the case.

I still wish them the best of their days (as I shake my fist at them)

 

~Joslyn~

A Girl With Problems, A Girl With Confidence

Well it seems I am also late to follow up with my “I’m late” post.

Anywho…. I am here and writing now.  I’ve just been continuing on in my journey to stay alive.  Work is not giving me much to work with lately, but this was kind of expected at this time of the year.  After this month I should be able to do more with myself as far as finances go.  Christmas is like a revival of my income, thankfully.

Hormones.  I’m still on them and ready to go back to the doctor for a second visit.  I’ll call tomorrow and schedule my appointment.  I will say that I’ve waited longer than I had anticipated, but I should be able to survive.  I’ve written in the past that I had budding breasts, but tonight I felt my left one and thought “Wow! That really is quite a lump.”  These things are now impossible to hide.  If I try to grab anything from up high I’m feeling pain in my chest because the shirt is pulling on the lumps.  I do believe I have one of my greatest fears ahead of me: Dealing with the social acceptance of me having breasts.  I am totally excited to see this coming, but I am soooo scared of the ignorant people that are out there.  People can be so rude and tasteless.

My other fear is my voice.  I’ve slacked for far too long to make it happen.  I don’t want to be the girl with a man’s voice.  I hate every second of it.  I hate to even talk in public.  I hate to be seen only because I fear being spoken to.  I don’t worry so much about my appearance, but what is actually going on in the person’s mind who has me before them who is almost certainly thinking, “this is a man.”  I don’t mind at all that someone thinks that.  That is fine.  I just don’t need to know that is what they are thinking.  So, if they hadn’t been thinking it, when I do speak they will be.

This problem needs fixed ASAP.  I’ve youtubed many different videos.  I understand what people have done.  I just need to get enough courage to make it a habit to talk in a different manner so I can get as close to a feminine voice as possible.  Time will help with that.  The muscle will tone and eventually it will be simple.  Through practice I should be able to work on tone and articulation (which is absolutely important, believe it or not).  The way I talk now is very masculine, very drone like.  This is not how I wish to sound.  I want much more emphasis, much more emotion, much more enjoyment when I speak.  I want to say things in a way that make people smile, not just say things that make people smile.

I guess I should address my personal daily attire while I’m at it.  Having thrown out all my ‘boy’ clothes back in April and only allowing myself my ‘girl’ clothes.  I’ve almost completely accomplished getting over my fear of social criticism of that.  I do still have a thing about skirts and dresses.  I hate my legs dearly.  I always wear leggings/knee high socks.  I don’t wear tank tops or short sleeved shirts that show a lot of my biceps.  My muscle is still very large there.  It screams ‘boy’ when I see them.  I don’t want to lose my strength, but I do want some muscle mass to just… go away.

‘Man’ hair.  I’ve notice a slight stalling in the growth of the hair on my face and chest regions.  It’s not very profound of a difference.  I do notice that my day one post shaving has much less growth than before.  Day two I definitely have a significant shadow.  I’ve been unable to decide if I can see a difference in the thickness of the hair.  I’ve still been shaving my chest, as well.  I had said before that I’d never do this again and that I would start waxing.  Turns out… waxing hurts a lot.  HAHAHAHAHA.   So, I’m still shaving all my body hair, and I have noticed that I’m having less and less issues with the in growns and infection.  Maybe this is due to a difference in skin maintenance.  I don’t know exactly.  I do appreciate it dearly, though.  No one wants sore bumps all over.

Anyways… this is where I leave you tonight…

OH!! I never posted my Halloween get-up!! So I leave you with this.

Love,

Joslyn

1046075

Long Story Short…

So, it’s definitely been a while since I’ve posted on here.  I’m gonna guess without looking about two months.

Where to begin is the question.

I’ve gone to a doctor and received Estradiol 4mg doses.  Been on those for two months now.  I haven’t noticed too much of a change yet, but the changes are there.  Hair has slowed (granted not to the extremes that I’d prefer).  Breast growth has started more than when I was taking birth control, but still a slow process.

I’ve still yet to be met with any fierce and ferocious obstacles in life pertaining to my transition, but I’m sure they’re just around the corner like every other terror of life.  For the most part I’ve continued to be accepted more and more by people.

I’m still very, very shy about speaking in public, but this is mostly due to my lack of voice practice.  My voice is still being used in the range I wish to not use.  I’ve not practiced in about 5 months now 😦 …. shame on me.  I think I’ll spend the next few weeks working on this and let you people know how that goes.

Work on the other hand, I’ve had to deal with more than my fair share of idiocracy.  There is this seargant who likes to come by and tell me I’m blocking the sidewalk and that I can’t work where I’m working even though it’s the exact same thing that’s going on at the opposite corner, yet, there is no issue with the guy there.  I don’t understand the intent of this guy yet.  I’ve looked into every accusation (the restaurant complaining, the 50 foot distance violation, even the blocking of the sidewalk).  Every accusation I’ve found to be false and that I am functioning within the means of the laws.  We’ve been notified of 2 new ordinances that will go into affect if nothing is done about them (no date has been set for a vote yet).  One which will remove all persons from the streets surrounding the square from 1am-5am, thus making the whole area a ‘park’.  This would be bad for us.  Two, a law requiring perfectly clear lanes and thus adding my work space into the mentioned area that would be not workable by the ordinance.  I’ll keep this updated as regularly as possible.

I’ve finally gotten back on a speaking level with my mother, not nearly as strong as before, but I don’t think I converse with anyone like I did 8 months ago.  I’m keeping to myself and just trying to focus on the transition as much as possible.  All is well, though. 🙂

I have a lot of things that have been floating around on my mind lately and I would like to get those posted on here soon, too.  Right now, though, it is incredibly late and I can’t think of a thing.  I had a whole list of questions I was hoping to get some feedback on… so, I’ll get back to those later.

I would love to push the idea of questions, though.  If you read this and I’m forgetting to mention anything… Inquire… PLEASE.  I need motivation to write….

Love you all!!!

JOSLYN

Just Like Your Cupboards… I’m Completely Empty

It’s only a week away from my birthday and I can’t think of any reason as to why I could give much of a fuck to get out of the house and be around anyone.  I couldn’t be any more miserable.  Some blame it on the hormones I’m taking without prescription.  I know me well, though.  This is just what I do.  Anyone who’s known me for more than 5 years can say they know me in this predicament.

This has nothing to do with hormones.  This has nothing to do with love.  This has nothing to do with anything suggested.

I’ve been at this since January… JANUARY!!! I’ve accomplished nothing.  No hormones.  No vocal changes.  Even work sucks.  It’s pathetic to me… I am to fault.

I feel as if I am lying to myself when I say I like my image.  I really couldn’t be more upset about every inch of my body.  I’m failing myself to make any of this happen.

My family thinks I’m crazy… I’m just a freak.  I’m sure I’m just tolerated by many friends.  Hell.. I can’t even push the pronoun change on people because I don’t want to feel pushy or have them feel awkward.  I’m not doing myself any favors here.  I wanted to get to my counselor this week, but I couldn’t make an appointment in time.  Another two weeks I’m gonna have to wait to see her.  It’s been since May since I last went.   I’ve gone from incredibly happy to now being more miserable than a cat in a blender.

A tortured mind,
An indentured soul,
To a body I never wished to hold.
Well I’m stubborn,
And I’m a bother,
I hold more tears inside,
Than I will ever tell.

Alone and destructive,
I will pass the blues.
I will forget my existence.
I will depart from my whole.
Forgive me when I speak.
I can only promise that soon….
I will pass the blues.

Yep… and now I’m laying down to some sappy music…

Joslyn

A Whirlpool In The Sky And A Night Like Our Fire Inside!

So once again I go quite a span of time without writing.  Busy I have been.  Between Hurricane Isaac and work, I’ve failed to find time.  So, here I am again.

Life has had its way with me these last couple of weeks.  I just find myself stressed and then superbly happy and then back to stressed again.  Isaac was not good on me with all my worrying that I wouldn’t make a dime on a busy weekend as Southern Decadence tends to be.  I managed to overcome that  and make a typical weekends pay.  I got my rent paid and now back to working on the other delinquent bills again.  I always worry about way too much.  I finally got to see my pictures from the photo shoot, and I must say,  these pictures are quite amazing for me.  I do look them over and see flaws in myself, which I do plan to fix.

I’m such a perfectionist at times.  I can never achieve what I aim for and when I get there i set the bar higher than the day before.  Always working to achieve better.  That is always my goal.

My biggest issues as of late are the feelings I get when people I’ve known forever are not using the name I’ve chosen.  Some people just don’t know any better, some, on the other hand,  have just not felt comfortable with it I’m going to assume.  My foot will begin to go down on this soon.   I am doing this and I expect people to continue on with me.  I don’t ask for much, just a bit of respect for what it is that I am going for.  This is me, and this is who I am.

September is finally here, too!!! What does that mean???? MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

September 15 will be an amazing night out with some of my closest friends in the city.  We will party ’til there is no more party to party!!! I can’t even imagine how or when that will be.  I will be decked out and fancily dressed.  I expect the rest to do the same.  We march as a Krewe… we are not tourists.  WE ARE A PART OF THIS CITY; WE WILL TAKE THE NIGHT!

Life for me as of late has been quite nice apart from the stress, though.  I am still here, and I am taking everything from life that I can.

Love life with me!!

<3<3<3<3<3

Joslyn

Making Beautiful The Already Beautiful

Been a long week.  I don’t know even what day it was that I last posted.  I’d go check, but I’m lazy.

Ok. First off: Work.

Work has been fairly slow for me lately.  Especially this last weekend where it just rained and rained and rained.   I’m still struggling to get caught up on the bills that are dragging me down.  I am so ready for summer to be over.  Oh well.. this is the profession I chose.  It has its ups and it has its downs.  As far as coming out at work goes, I am still slowly putting pieces together for people.  I still dare not to play the part, even though there really isn’t much of a part to play.  I am who I am, and behind a mask, at work, I will stay.  What these people know from the obvious is all they need to know.  I don’t think it’s necessary for me to tell every passer by “hey! call me she not he.”  I’ve given them no hints and I’m only out there to work.  I would love for it to be the other way around, but I have my patience and in due time I will get the respect from those who do not know me as well.  I do not need to demand it.  Those who know and love me give me everything I need.

It is now week 12 of eating birth control and I can say that these truly are the buds of titties.  I have no idea to what extent this pill is effecting my body.  I’ve failed to take measurements, and at this point I really just don’t want to anyways.  With my patience my body will manifest.  I am continually seeing myself in the light that I want to.  I look in the mirror and 75% of the time I do see the girl I am.  This makes me happy.  My hair is beginning to get to a length where I am ready to cut it and have it styled.

This is quite the milestone for me.

This will truly help me create the image I seek.

As far as other things go, I’ve just finished a photo shoot today.  It was truly an amazing experience.  I had a wonderful photographer, Jeffrey Dupuis ( www.JeffreyDupuis.com ), and I also had an amazing makeup artist to work with me, of whom I do not have contact info for at this moment.  We spent about 3 hours going around and shooting pics of me and I felt absolutely fabulous!!!  I can now only wait to see Jeffrey’s work.

Afterwards I came home and didn’t even want to take the makeup off.  I passed out and woke up.. it was still perfect.  I have never felt so amazingly gorgeous as I did today.  I only hope that one day I can recreate her work.

OK! so much for talking and talking and talking about it.  Here is a pic that I took as soon as I made it home:

Me after I got home from the photo shoot

Oh and I almost forgot.  I also went to an event at a place here called Mardi Gras World where there was an event held named The Halfway To Mardi Gras Staycation Ball.  I went there to juggle free of charge and just collect tips.  It was not very well lit (which makes it hard to juggle), plus it was mildly raining outside all evening.  Needless to say it funded me nothing.  I did however manage to find the bar and OH MY GOSH was I ever so plastered.  Any who.. here is also a picture from this event:

So now.. until next time.. make sure you subscribe and share… It will only make me love you more!!

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Joslyn

The Pains of Growing

I feel as if so little is happening with my life right now when I compare it to what is going on with my body.  I’ve made a lot of changes in my life in the last 6 months.  My wardrobe has changed.  My preference for gender pronoun has changed.  My income has even changed.  I have still not found a doctor to work with me, and, thus,  I have resorted to using birth control pills to get a mild difference.  It’s been almost 8 weeks now and I’ve seen my hair get thinner and more blonde on my torso and arms.  Mammary glands have started to grow and swell.  This hurts by the way.

I came home from work on Friday and took off my shirt just to look down and think to myself, “Self, your breasts are beginning to show.”  I was happy and excited, yet, I was also wondering what I am going to do about working in the French Quarter.  I still debate using a binder to hide it because I don’t want people to be freaked out by it and decide they are too disgusted to tip me.  This could affect my income greatly.  This is something I greatly want, but I find myself still trying to hide it.   I relish my days off of work because what people think about me doesn’t affect anything I’m doing.

As far as work goes, I’ve been having some decent days.  I’m not making a million dollars or anything, but I can make a typical 10/hr jobs wage in just 2 days tops.  People continue to tell me how much they love what I do.  I have people tell me every weekend that they were told I was the best act in the city.  This really makes me smile.  I only wish they could understand that I am not a man.  I am a woman in this body.  I don’t know yet how to change that.

As I write this I am being messaged on Facebook by an amazing friend of mine trying to entice me to go out to a bar with her.  She says “You will come out and sit on my lap!”  I obediantly say yes ma’am.  So now I will spend the next 2 hours picking out a cute skirt to wear and a top to put on.  Makeup these days is super simple.

So… Time to get sexy-fied and go mingle out in the Quarter.

Until next time,

Joslyn

Breaking The Mold For No One Else But The World.. I Leave Little For Myself

I woke up this morning on time, but fell back asleep.  Sleepy, sleepy me… I finally got up an hour later to finally get ready to go out to work.  After an ‘exuberating’ walk (hahahahaha) I made it to my work spot and walked over to the local CVS to get my little bit of caffeine I need for the day.  This day was just feeling like a drag from the beginning.

I was constantly feeling myself not happy with things.  I wasn’t liking the minimal money I was making.  I wasn’t enjoying the thoughts that my recent decisions have left me without the family I’ve always had.  Now, I know this is stupid to be worrying about, but I miss what I had.  I was feeling like I’ve made a bad decision all day.  I felt like maybe I should put my wants behind me.  I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore.  Nothing is giving me that pleasant feeling anymore.

I MISS LOVE.

I have many friends around the country, but I spend my days usually alone sitting in my room.  I’d leave the house, but there’s no where to go.  Most people suggest I go to a bar. I don’t want to hang out in bars.  I don’t want to meet someone is this kind of place.  I don’t even know what kind of person I DO want to meet.  I’m completely lost in my attempts to add more to my life.  I’ve lost my self-image.  I’ve almost given up hope.   Hope that I’ll be who I want to be.  Hope that I can continue to make a living the way I do.  Hope that I can be more than just another person.  I want to matter.  I want to matter to someone special.  Someone that is special to me.  I don’t feel wanted, though.  I feel like I’m tolerated.  Nobody knows me anymore.  I don’t know if anyone ever did.  Am I just distancing myself from the world? Am I doing this myself or am I just overlooking the natural course of reality?

My dreams are fading, but my heart is fading faster.   I don’t like this feeling.  I know what I do with this feeling, and I fight so hard not to think about it.  My dreams, though, keep reminding me that it is something that I think about every once in a while.  What kind of life can I live if I can never be truly… TRULY… who I want to be?  Giving up is a  constant struggle I try to overcome.  The world does not see this.  In front of the world I can still barely allow myself to express what I want.  I might as well be an expressionless mask.  I’m a void of space.. filled by matter.. but empty of all realistic thoughts.

Now, I can ask myself what it is that I want?  I don’t want to be anything more than who I am.  I don’t want to change my personality.  I need everything I’ve held on to in this life.  That is why I attained what I have.  I watch as many others struggle to get where I want to be as well.  I see hatred in the world as well.  I feel incapable of making a change in either.  Satisfaction is hard to obtain when you ask as much as I do.  Not for myself, but for the world.  Why do people find the need to criticize what they don’t understand?  Be it a transgender or something as minor as a hobby.  I try so hard not to care about it anymore, but it is defeating me.

My day finished at work with making under 100 bucks and I walked home thinking all this over for the 45 minutes that it takes me to traverse those 2 miles.  I came home. I ate.  Then I cried. Not much, but enough to know that I am bothered.  Empty I am.  Never with understanding as to why.  I just want to make the world smile, but I forget to think of myself.

Who “Josh” Was Part 5

Ok, so, I’m on a bus. No… wait.. i had a friend visiting home from New Orleans since it was around Christmas.  We left the day after Christmas. I’m heading back to new Orleans again.  I’m on my way to see my old friend Cody, whom I’d met in New Orleans when I first went down.

It was a long ride as usual, but obviously not bus ride awful.  When we arrived in New Orleans I was dropped off at Cody’s place at around 8-9am.  I was happy to see him, but I was majorly depressed at this moment and wanted no one to see it.  I kept quiet a lot. I spoke very little.

We would go out to the French Quarter every few days.  We would get drunk or high, whatever was appropriate.  We came back and I would cuddle up with him.  There was nothing more exciting for me at that time than to be in his arms. ^_^

I was very quickly getting worried, though.  I wanted him, but was afraid to tell the world.  I went out one day on my own to the Quarter.  I found an old friend who had helped me with food and a living situation the many times I had been back and forth.  Magik Mike was out working.  He was doing this silver jester type statue act at the time.  He would contact juggle.  He was out on a very slow day.  I asked him what it would take for him to go in.  He said when he gets his first five dollar tip.  I pulled out a 5 and gave it to him.  I said I got more if you can find me some herb.  So we left to his place where I ended up staying at and never moving back in with Cody… and I am regretful.

Within a week Mike had offered me the chance to go out in the Quarter with this random dog act he had seen and put together.  I was nervous but I needed the money.  I bought makeup and started growing my beard out again.  The first night I went out to Bourbon I made 70 bucks in an hour.  I was instantly hooked. I went out almost every day after that.  I always hit Bourbon. There was too much money to miss out on there.  I eventually started working day time as well.  I would work from 12-8, working between Royal Street and Bourbon Street.  French Quarter Fest brought me good money.  I was getting bored with this act, though.  I was not doing something of my creation.  This was irritating to me.

I started searching the internet for random ideas.  I started working on a voodoo doll act just the same as I had done the dog act.  I was nearly half way through when I came across this Transformer costume I saw in a video from out in Hollywood.  It was absolutely amazing.

At this time I had been spending a lot of my money and effort on putting together Mike’s house.  I put 3500 dollars approximately into it and weeks of my time.  He was beginning to be a prick, though. I had met this girl, Mecca.  I was infatuated, but that was not the case on both ends.  Mike on the other hand was losing his mind trying to figure out where I was at, regardless if he had any reason to wonder.  I finally was getting locked out of his home.  I had been staying at a friend of mine’s house, Jason.  I had came to him with the Transformer idea.  I was thinking that between me and him this costume could be built.  He wanted to build one, too.  So, we started working on his as I gathered materials for mine… he had funding where as I had put all my money into Mike.

Magik Mike at this point had been completely ignoring me.  He wouldn’t answer his phone or his door even though I could hear him inside.  I was ravenous at this point.  I cut his power off.  He came outside about 10 minutes later asking me if I had cut his power off.  I responded that yes I did cut his power off.  He asks me why I would do that.  I respond because all my stuff is inside his house.  I wanted to know why he wouldn’t answer his phone or his door for me.  He told me he was too busy.  I was like you’re too busy for the guy that has practically given my all for you and fixed your house up?  I told him I was done and would just like to get my stuff and go.  He wouldn’t let it go, though.  He was like well where have you been? Have you been off doing drugs? He was referring to cocaine or crack or something of which I told him that I have tourette’s and that is a very difficult disorder to get by with and do speedy substances like that.   I was using the internet at places.  I was hanging out with friends.  That was all.  As I was grabbing my stuff out of the closet he started to get very angry.  He backed me in just before Jason pulled up in his van.  It was a loud van.  It rumbled before it stopped.  Mike says “what? did you call back up?”  I was like ya… I need to get this stuff down the road.  He ran outside to where Jason was still getting out of his car.  Mike starts at him.  Jason quickly responds with “Mike, I’m not here to play games.  let the kid get his stuff and let’s be done with this.”  As he says that he flashes his unloaded shotgun.  Unloaded or not, it is intimidating.   Mike comes back up the stairs and begins to weep saying he never has any friends.  I consoled him by saying you would if you didn’t treat people like shit.  Then I finally got all my stuff out and left.  That was the end of me and Mike.

It was around June now and I had to go to court for child support up in northern Louisiana.  Money was only getting tighter. I still didn’t have my Transformer costume.  I hated working the dog anymore.  I finally had my costume made just in time for July 4th weekend.  It was very rushed and not at all comfortable, but it did make money.  I started working this in the evenings between Bourbon and Jackson Square.  I was able to afford to get by, but it was hard.  I was only getting depressed again.  I had wants that i was still repressing.  Jason and his girlfriend Erica had purchased a place on the other side of town.  I just wanted to find myself alone a lot now.  I couldn’t do that.  I wrote them a note and packed up my stuff and left town over night heading back for Indianapolis.  I was expecting to have a job at home that my brother was going to set me up with at a grocery store.  He was arrested about 2 weeks after I had arrived home though.  I ended up waiting for 2 months and received a job a Hal’s Fabulous Vegas Bar and Grill doing dishes thanks to my other friend named Josh.   I had left New Orleans making maybe 60/hour to make nearly minimum wage at 20 hours a week.  I was not making wise decisions.  I stayed there through the winter, but Jason had talked to me online.  He had inspired me to come back to New Orleans and do what I was doing before.  Entertaining the masses in a ridiculous suit.

The day I went in to put my two weeks notice in I was offered a promotion.  Irony. I turned it down and worked my last two weeks there.  I took a bus this time with very little stuff:  2 small suitcases. I arrived in town and immediately had to get to fixing up the old suit.  It had sat dormant for so long.  We primed it up and painted it like a police car.  I had it working just in time for French Quarter Fest.  It was a great weekend, but I was not in shape for it at this time.  I made less than what I had expected.

I worked every weekend from this point on.  I had recently started gaining interest in contact juggling, juggling, and magic.  Sometime near fall I had met a man named Rod.  He introduced me to the world of the magicians: Warpo, Alex, Doug, John, Emmitt, Bobby, Dante, Keith.   This group was, and still is, the most influential group I’ve met to date.  They took what I had learned with magic and improved on my basics.  I was finally able to run routines, not well, yet.  I made it through until winter.  Winter was getting rough for me.  My gender dysphoria was beginning to sit on me heavily again.  I was thinking about it daily.  It was bothering me in my social life and private life.  I did not know what to do.

I remember telling a few people, but to no avail I had no answers.  Then I told a friend and she recommended I go see a counselor.  I found one and set up an appointment.  I started seeing her every week.   Just a couple weeks beforehand I had received my first offer for doing a real gig.  One where I needed to go to Cleveland for.  It was big money, but a lot of work.  I wasn’t very sure of it happening at this time.  I was just trying to focus on myself for now.

Once again, I’m finishing right here 😉
I should finish up my past next time and then I’ll finally get to daily bloggings.

Joslyn

<3<3<3<3