Beyond the Shades

Aside from my momentary lapses of life, I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I’ve seen a lot in myself that has lacked any attention at all.  Ashamed, I am not.  Determined, perhaps, but never ashamed.  

Character flaws.  I have seen many.  One thing about me: I always enjoy a good laugh.  I don’t care for my persistence in habitually making a joke disregarding the whole scenario.  I’m never being insensitive.  I just space out. I conjure up the joke, and speak as if I hadn’t the world would end (being metaphoric, btw 😉 ). I do have issues with my Tourette’s still.  My physical tics more dominant than any vocal tics.  I fear everyday that I’ll get lost on a vocal tic again…. such a terrible fear…. now I appear to be rambling… hahahahaha….. but seriously…

My general appreciation for myself.  I find myself disgusted of myself way too often.  I want to change that.  Being upset for what I’ve let go is no reason to not try and keep what I have.  I speak most about my dental needs.  It’s a major hate of mine.  My teeth have come to a point where I’m in want of repair so bad, that I’m willing to beg someone to help me.  It’s been 14 years since I’ve been to a dentist.  I’m scared.  When it comes to a doctor, I still react the same as I did when I was 7.  Any Doctor.  I just wish to smile…. My skin has been a lack of interest to me as well.  What good I have done, I undid.  It’s not a losing battle thankfully.  Skin is a bit easier to repair than teeth.

My Performance.  I don’t think I even take myself seriously anymore.  I just do a lot of talking.  Change, I will need.  I intend to do that.  I will be instead of dream.  I’m so tired of dreaming.  I’m awake.  I’m alive.  (<<<hahaha… just realized I quoted Godsmack… shame on me 😛 ) Mostly, though, I’m free and have a creative opportunity that most people could only dream about.  Taking hold of that is necessity, at this point.

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The End of an Era

I’ve overreacted at times, and I’ve apologized to those who did and did not deserve it.  I’ve struggled and I have admitted to my own faults, yet, I am still cast aside as a nuisance.  I’m told that I’m still a friend, but I’m treated like a person who is only useful at times.  I don’t want to be that person to anyone.  I want to be appreciated for me, and if you can’t give me a reason as to why you’re having me around, then it’s obvious that I shouldn’t be around.

I’ve enjoyed what I have obtained from people: time, compassion, what was shared.  I can’t stick around and hope that one day I’ll matter to someone.  I won’t.  I’ve been at it alone since I started.  It’s wise to continue on that path.  People just take what they want and will leave you broken and hopeless.  

So, now I am looking for a way to get out west.  I’m looking for a large city to continue doing my act and to build up and on to greater things.  San Diego? San Francisco? Las Vegas? Las Angelos? Seatle? Portland?  I don’t know.  One of these places has to be useful.  I’ll go with or without a home.  The streets have sheltered me before and I’ll let it shelter me again if it has to be that way.