Beyond the Shades

Aside from my momentary lapses of life, I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I’ve seen a lot in myself that has lacked any attention at all.  Ashamed, I am not.  Determined, perhaps, but never ashamed.  

Character flaws.  I have seen many.  One thing about me: I always enjoy a good laugh.  I don’t care for my persistence in habitually making a joke disregarding the whole scenario.  I’m never being insensitive.  I just space out. I conjure up the joke, and speak as if I hadn’t the world would end (being metaphoric, btw 😉 ). I do have issues with my Tourette’s still.  My physical tics more dominant than any vocal tics.  I fear everyday that I’ll get lost on a vocal tic again…. such a terrible fear…. now I appear to be rambling… hahahahaha….. but seriously…

My general appreciation for myself.  I find myself disgusted of myself way too often.  I want to change that.  Being upset for what I’ve let go is no reason to not try and keep what I have.  I speak most about my dental needs.  It’s a major hate of mine.  My teeth have come to a point where I’m in want of repair so bad, that I’m willing to beg someone to help me.  It’s been 14 years since I’ve been to a dentist.  I’m scared.  When it comes to a doctor, I still react the same as I did when I was 7.  Any Doctor.  I just wish to smile…. My skin has been a lack of interest to me as well.  What good I have done, I undid.  It’s not a losing battle thankfully.  Skin is a bit easier to repair than teeth.

My Performance.  I don’t think I even take myself seriously anymore.  I just do a lot of talking.  Change, I will need.  I intend to do that.  I will be instead of dream.  I’m so tired of dreaming.  I’m awake.  I’m alive.  (<<<hahaha… just realized I quoted Godsmack… shame on me 😛 ) Mostly, though, I’m free and have a creative opportunity that most people could only dream about.  Taking hold of that is necessity, at this point.


The End of an Era

I’ve overreacted at times, and I’ve apologized to those who did and did not deserve it.  I’ve struggled and I have admitted to my own faults, yet, I am still cast aside as a nuisance.  I’m told that I’m still a friend, but I’m treated like a person who is only useful at times.  I don’t want to be that person to anyone.  I want to be appreciated for me, and if you can’t give me a reason as to why you’re having me around, then it’s obvious that I shouldn’t be around.

I’ve enjoyed what I have obtained from people: time, compassion, what was shared.  I can’t stick around and hope that one day I’ll matter to someone.  I won’t.  I’ve been at it alone since I started.  It’s wise to continue on that path.  People just take what they want and will leave you broken and hopeless.  

So, now I am looking for a way to get out west.  I’m looking for a large city to continue doing my act and to build up and on to greater things.  San Diego? San Francisco? Las Vegas? Las Angelos? Seatle? Portland?  I don’t know.  One of these places has to be useful.  I’ll go with or without a home.  The streets have sheltered me before and I’ll let it shelter me again if it has to be that way.