Well it seems I am also late to follow up with my “I’m late” post.
Anywho…. I am here and writing now. I’ve just been continuing on in my journey to stay alive. Work is not giving me much to work with lately, but this was kind of expected at this time of the year. After this month I should be able to do more with myself as far as finances go. Christmas is like a revival of my income, thankfully.
Hormones. I’m still on them and ready to go back to the doctor for a second visit. I’ll call tomorrow and schedule my appointment. I will say that I’ve waited longer than I had anticipated, but I should be able to survive. I’ve written in the past that I had budding breasts, but tonight I felt my left one and thought “Wow! That really is quite a lump.” These things are now impossible to hide. If I try to grab anything from up high I’m feeling pain in my chest because the shirt is pulling on the lumps. I do believe I have one of my greatest fears ahead of me: Dealing with the social acceptance of me having breasts. I am totally excited to see this coming, but I am soooo scared of the ignorant people that are out there. People can be so rude and tasteless.
My other fear is my voice. I’ve slacked for far too long to make it happen. I don’t want to be the girl with a man’s voice. I hate every second of it. I hate to even talk in public. I hate to be seen only because I fear being spoken to. I don’t worry so much about my appearance, but what is actually going on in the person’s mind who has me before them who is almost certainly thinking, “this is a man.” I don’t mind at all that someone thinks that. That is fine. I just don’t need to know that is what they are thinking. So, if they hadn’t been thinking it, when I do speak they will be.
This problem needs fixed ASAP. I’ve youtubed many different videos. I understand what people have done. I just need to get enough courage to make it a habit to talk in a different manner so I can get as close to a feminine voice as possible. Time will help with that. The muscle will tone and eventually it will be simple. Through practice I should be able to work on tone and articulation (which is absolutely important, believe it or not). The way I talk now is very masculine, very drone like. This is not how I wish to sound. I want much more emphasis, much more emotion, much more enjoyment when I speak. I want to say things in a way that make people smile, not just say things that make people smile.
I guess I should address my personal daily attire while I’m at it. Having thrown out all my ‘boy’ clothes back in April and only allowing myself my ‘girl’ clothes. I’ve almost completely accomplished getting over my fear of social criticism of that. I do still have a thing about skirts and dresses. I hate my legs dearly. I always wear leggings/knee high socks. I don’t wear tank tops or short sleeved shirts that show a lot of my biceps. My muscle is still very large there. It screams ‘boy’ when I see them. I don’t want to lose my strength, but I do want some muscle mass to just… go away.
‘Man’ hair. I’ve notice a slight stalling in the growth of the hair on my face and chest regions. It’s not very profound of a difference. I do notice that my day one post shaving has much less growth than before. Day two I definitely have a significant shadow. I’ve been unable to decide if I can see a difference in the thickness of the hair. I’ve still been shaving my chest, as well. I had said before that I’d never do this again and that I would start waxing. Turns out… waxing hurts a lot. HAHAHAHAHA. So, I’m still shaving all my body hair, and I have noticed that I’m having less and less issues with the in growns and infection. Maybe this is due to a difference in skin maintenance. I don’t know exactly. I do appreciate it dearly, though. No one wants sore bumps all over.
Anyways… this is where I leave you tonight…
OH!! I never posted my Halloween get-up!! So I leave you with this.
Love,
Joslyn
joslynalana 