Just Like Your Cupboards… I’m Completely Empty

It’s only a week away from my birthday and I can’t think of any reason as to why I could give much of a fuck to get out of the house and be around anyone.  I couldn’t be any more miserable.  Some blame it on the hormones I’m taking without prescription.  I know me well, though.  This is just what I do.  Anyone who’s known me for more than 5 years can say they know me in this predicament.

This has nothing to do with hormones.  This has nothing to do with love.  This has nothing to do with anything suggested.

I’ve been at this since January… JANUARY!!! I’ve accomplished nothing.  No hormones.  No vocal changes.  Even work sucks.  It’s pathetic to me… I am to fault.

I feel as if I am lying to myself when I say I like my image.  I really couldn’t be more upset about every inch of my body.  I’m failing myself to make any of this happen.

My family thinks I’m crazy… I’m just a freak.  I’m sure I’m just tolerated by many friends.  Hell.. I can’t even push the pronoun change on people because I don’t want to feel pushy or have them feel awkward.  I’m not doing myself any favors here.  I wanted to get to my counselor this week, but I couldn’t make an appointment in time.  Another two weeks I’m gonna have to wait to see her.  It’s been since May since I last went.   I’ve gone from incredibly happy to now being more miserable than a cat in a blender.

A tortured mind,
An indentured soul,
To a body I never wished to hold.
Well I’m stubborn,
And I’m a bother,
I hold more tears inside,
Than I will ever tell.

Alone and destructive,
I will pass the blues.
I will forget my existence.
I will depart from my whole.
Forgive me when I speak.
I can only promise that soon….
I will pass the blues.

Yep… and now I’m laying down to some sappy music…

Joslyn

A Whirlpool In The Sky And A Night Like Our Fire Inside!

So once again I go quite a span of time without writing.  Busy I have been.  Between Hurricane Isaac and work, I’ve failed to find time.  So, here I am again.

Life has had its way with me these last couple of weeks.  I just find myself stressed and then superbly happy and then back to stressed again.  Isaac was not good on me with all my worrying that I wouldn’t make a dime on a busy weekend as Southern Decadence tends to be.  I managed to overcome that  and make a typical weekends pay.  I got my rent paid and now back to working on the other delinquent bills again.  I always worry about way too much.  I finally got to see my pictures from the photo shoot, and I must say,  these pictures are quite amazing for me.  I do look them over and see flaws in myself, which I do plan to fix.

I’m such a perfectionist at times.  I can never achieve what I aim for and when I get there i set the bar higher than the day before.  Always working to achieve better.  That is always my goal.

My biggest issues as of late are the feelings I get when people I’ve known forever are not using the name I’ve chosen.  Some people just don’t know any better, some, on the other hand,  have just not felt comfortable with it I’m going to assume.  My foot will begin to go down on this soon.   I am doing this and I expect people to continue on with me.  I don’t ask for much, just a bit of respect for what it is that I am going for.  This is me, and this is who I am.

September is finally here, too!!! What does that mean???? MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

September 15 will be an amazing night out with some of my closest friends in the city.  We will party ’til there is no more party to party!!! I can’t even imagine how or when that will be.  I will be decked out and fancily dressed.  I expect the rest to do the same.  We march as a Krewe… we are not tourists.  WE ARE A PART OF THIS CITY; WE WILL TAKE THE NIGHT!

Life for me as of late has been quite nice apart from the stress, though.  I am still here, and I am taking everything from life that I can.

Love life with me!!

<3<3<3<3<3

Joslyn