Beyond the Shades

Aside from my momentary lapses of life, I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I’ve seen a lot in myself that has lacked any attention at all.  Ashamed, I am not.  Determined, perhaps, but never ashamed.  

Character flaws.  I have seen many.  One thing about me: I always enjoy a good laugh.  I don’t care for my persistence in habitually making a joke disregarding the whole scenario.  I’m never being insensitive.  I just space out. I conjure up the joke, and speak as if I hadn’t the world would end (being metaphoric, btw 😉 ). I do have issues with my Tourette’s still.  My physical tics more dominant than any vocal tics.  I fear everyday that I’ll get lost on a vocal tic again…. such a terrible fear…. now I appear to be rambling… hahahahaha….. but seriously…

My general appreciation for myself.  I find myself disgusted of myself way too often.  I want to change that.  Being upset for what I’ve let go is no reason to not try and keep what I have.  I speak most about my dental needs.  It’s a major hate of mine.  My teeth have come to a point where I’m in want of repair so bad, that I’m willing to beg someone to help me.  It’s been 14 years since I’ve been to a dentist.  I’m scared.  When it comes to a doctor, I still react the same as I did when I was 7.  Any Doctor.  I just wish to smile…. My skin has been a lack of interest to me as well.  What good I have done, I undid.  It’s not a losing battle thankfully.  Skin is a bit easier to repair than teeth.

My Performance.  I don’t think I even take myself seriously anymore.  I just do a lot of talking.  Change, I will need.  I intend to do that.  I will be instead of dream.  I’m so tired of dreaming.  I’m awake.  I’m alive.  (<<<hahaha… just realized I quoted Godsmack… shame on me 😛 ) Mostly, though, I’m free and have a creative opportunity that most people could only dream about.  Taking hold of that is necessity, at this point.

Lost Connection

After dealing with about 6 weeks of a strong spiral into depression, I am completely ready to pull myself out.  I have outed many… way too many people.  I am now feeling just completely terrible about it.  

I had a dream last night and it reminded me of why I am friends with so many people.  I wake up and remember that I’ve screwed it all up.  To them, especially, I am truly sorry.  

I’m still trying to understand how to deal with these new levels of extremes in my emotions.  Hormones are an insanely strong thing.  I had no idea when I started that this could be possible.  Now, with my neglect, I am risking losing everything I had here in this city.  I have threatened to leave with no place to go.  Why?  Because when life gets rough I run away.  

My two best friends, the most amazing lovers I’ve ever known, have taken probably the most of my angst.  Katy…… Shanece…. I am sorry.  I’m stupid.

Trust Your Wrong Turns

a friend of mine (a well bestowed street performer, an amazing character, and a wonderful slight artist) is currently going from Florida to his home in Seatle. This is a small snippet of his story. A piece that I’d like to share because I relate a lot with being stereotyped. Be it by police or not. Be it that i am a street performer or that I am very androgynous (mostly feminine). I’ve been told I’m a vagrant before and treated like dirt for their neglect to understand that the 9-5 life is not the only one in the world. We do not beg. We are people without a venue to entertain and the streets have a place for that. People are there and they enjoy us being there. If I was a beggar… If he was a beggar… I’m sure we’d see them before they got there out of sheer paranoia.

We are the artists of today. Still looked down on by society when there is no sponsorship logo pinned to our bodies.

The End of an Era

I’ve overreacted at times, and I’ve apologized to those who did and did not deserve it.  I’ve struggled and I have admitted to my own faults, yet, I am still cast aside as a nuisance.  I’m told that I’m still a friend, but I’m treated like a person who is only useful at times.  I don’t want to be that person to anyone.  I want to be appreciated for me, and if you can’t give me a reason as to why you’re having me around, then it’s obvious that I shouldn’t be around.

I’ve enjoyed what I have obtained from people: time, compassion, what was shared.  I can’t stick around and hope that one day I’ll matter to someone.  I won’t.  I’ve been at it alone since I started.  It’s wise to continue on that path.  People just take what they want and will leave you broken and hopeless.  

So, now I am looking for a way to get out west.  I’m looking for a large city to continue doing my act and to build up and on to greater things.  San Diego? San Francisco? Las Vegas? Las Angelos? Seatle? Portland?  I don’t know.  One of these places has to be useful.  I’ll go with or without a home.  The streets have sheltered me before and I’ll let it shelter me again if it has to be that way.

Somewhere Along In The Bitterness

Well, not that many people have been following my last few post, but I’ve been in an incredibly low mood as of late.  I’ve reacted in poor ways with people.  I’ve pushed people away.  I’ve been making sure that people can’t keep in contact of me.  I feel like I need a reset of my life.

I’m a little bit scared still to make this happen, but after debating it for a couple of days I feel like what I’m going to do is definitely a wise decision.  I have to make money first over the weekend.  I’d like to at least have a couple of days to recover from this before I go back out to work.  I do believe this will be hard, as this journey I go through tends to be for most.  

Cleansing myself of people in my life is never an easy task.  New Orleans is a beautiful place, but it’s beginning to be quite dull.  I’m in need of new surroundings completely.  

I want to look at the crowd when I go out this weekend thinking “you guys are going to pay for my ticket out of here.”  I want to be in high spirits.  I’ve needed a goal.  Leaving is a good goal when I’m in a city that I feel can only continue to defeat me.

I don’t expect to find peace by moving somewhere else, but I do miss the joy of not feeling stuck.  The thought that there’s so much more out there is weighing heavy on me.  This is my journey, and this is how I hope to grow.  Shaking myself free of the stress, the drama, the financial struggle, and the shackles of material objects once again.  

Empty, lost, confused, scared, and careless.  

I’m somewhere in that region.  When I think about my life and where I want it to go, I seriously don’t have a direction.  I don’t see myself becoming much of anything.  My friends doubt me and I’m beginning to see that they are right.  I talk a lot and do a lot of nothing.  All in all… useless.

Nobody asks me to come around.  Nobody comes to visit me.  I spend my time in my head…. alone.  My home is boring.  My life is boring.  My skills are nothing more than time I have wasted.  Every time I find someone flirting, I’m let down because they like me, but I’ll never be good enough to fit for any of them.  

No love.  No appreciation.  No TRUE friends.  I have some great friends, btw, but I couldn’t say a single one of them would go to the end of the world and back with me.  People like me… for about the first 15 minutes, then they move on.  This is how my life goes.  I’m used to it.  I get it. Yet, I’m totally sick of it. 

All I want is a best friend.  Someone who speaks to me.  Someone who actually enjoys my company.  I believe I’ll find that one day.  I’m beginning to think New Orleans will not support me in my venture anymore.  

I don’t even know what I’m ranting about anymore…. I just hate everything and this is what I do when I feel this way.  

A friend a day…. that would be nice.

i’m really losing sight of things anymore.  pills, sharp objects, rope…. even bug bombs…. I try and try and try to find it in myself that I’m important to someone…. I don’t feel it though…. someone can tell you they care all day long…. showing they care is a whole different story.  Don’t treat me like I’m broken and say “things will get better” as you go off to do something while ditching me on the spot.

thanks… everybody… seriously… fuck you all.

Like a fish in the sea… For you I’m just feed.

So I’ve been in a lost little part of my own little world for the past 4 or 5 months.  I struggle daily with things that I don’t discuss with anyone anymore.  Not my counselor.  Not my friends.  Not my parents.  Not even total strangers.  I’m scared.  I’m losing any kind of hope.  

Everyone just wants to say “it’s going to be ok.”  WTF is ok?  Why? How? When?  I find that I care less and less for this miserable world that we live in.  I don’t want much of anything anymore… I just want to be alone and cry.  

… and what scares me the most…. I don’t even know if I want this life anymore……..

I’m constantly being barraged with my own thoughts of how to end it… and of how i’ve tried.   

Now.. don’t take this as a suicide note, but if for no apparent reason I wasn’t around tomorrow… it would be no concern to me…..

 

J

Body and Mind

What is it all but a dream and a hope??
What have I gained? Nothing more than anxiety and a bad case of the ‘mopes’.
A fainting heart, perhaps a dream to depart.
Glossy eyes and the tears that well up inside.
Nothing more than illusions.

You lie to me as I lie to you.
I prefer to be exactly as I state myself to be.
Never will I know the truth, the pain, the reality.
I’m merely a wisp…. just a clump of madness-ity.

Happy Birthday Son!

Well, today is my son Indrid’s Birthday.  He is 5 today.

It’s about 2:30am and I can’t sleep, so, I will write what’s on my mind:

MY SON.

I’ll write my memories of his birth.

I remember being in Jonesboro still almost as if it was yesterday.  Jonesboro, Louisiana that is.  It was a late night and me and Allison had just gotten as comfy as we could get.  We had gone to the doctor about every couple of days at this point because she feared she was in labor (when you live out there, the middle of no where, you kind of have to be on your toes with this).  We first rushed to the Jonesboro hospital where they decided to rush us to Minden via ambulance.  Now, Minden is a good distance from Jonesboro, about 45-60 minutes.

We arrived in Minden where we had been only once already before.  It was quite a nice hospital actually.  The rooms for labor were very well set up.   It was almost like being in a house.  It was some time around 1-2am at this point.  We waited and waited and waited for the doctor to get in.. which was like 7-8am (srry really bad at remembering the exact times).  They watched the dialation which wasn’t very quickly happening.  Mostly, though, they were watching Indy’s heart rate.  With every tiny contraction Allison had, his heart rate would change.

The doctor finally came in and had a look at her.  He said he would induce labor at this point.  He proceeded with inducing labor with a drug that I can not remember.  I remember when it started.  She was in intense pain.  I didn’t know what to do.  I was so helpless.  I didn’t like to see her like this.  I remember feeling faint.  Not because of the pregnancy or needles or blood or anything.  I was in a moment of complete fear due to my helplessness.  Her mom handed me some money and told me to go to the cafeteria.  I did.  I remember calling Rockin’ Rye… and Magic Mike.  I called my mom and my brother.  I called Jeremiah.. I called Josh.  I had food, but it was still kind of hard to eat.  I realized I had spent a while down there and that I should get back up to see if everything is okay.

I went back to the room where her aunt was outside the door (might have been someone else.. lol).S  I heard Allison moaning and screaming in pain.  That very quickly reminded me what was going on.  I was told that the heart rate of my son was taking well at all to the induction of labor.  The would perform a C-section.

I went to the lobby and waited.  We had already decided that I was not going to be able to sit in the room for delivery, let alone a C-section.  Her sister went with her.  It seemed like a lifetime for this all to happen.  The baby though, Indy, was delivered.

They brought him out to all of us.  It was about 5pm by now.  I remember seeing him, so tiny… so fragile… so helpless in this world.  HE WAS ABSOLUTELY AS AMAZING AS I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED….

I held him.  I cried.  Her family took pictures.  Yet I worried.  When can I see Allison.  I had my son, but I didn’t have the girl I loved.  So, we waited more.

They finally brought her out and brought her to a room (which to my luck had a spare bed since I hadn’t slept at all).  She was not at all coherent.  I slept for a bit.. maybe half an hour…. I have very little recollection of time in all of this.  The doctor came and brought me some forms that I could sign.  I did that.  They wanted her stuff to be done, though.  She was in no position to be doing that yet.  In that next week I learned a lot.  Taking care of a child was a completely new thing for me.  I had never really done any of it.  I will never miss that feeling, though.  The feeling of being needed.  The feeling of being able to give someone what they need, granted… I was absolutely confused every step of the way.

Her incision wasn’t going well at all.  Infection had set in.  She would undergo a second surgery.  Afterwards they decided to let the wound heal open.  A process they called something else that I can’t remember.  It was not at all a comforting thing.  We stayed in that hospital for about 2 or 3 weeks before we finally left.  The whole adventure was nothing at all that we had imagined, and in the end the experience really set me and Allison apart.  She was assigned a home nurse to come by each day and take care of her wound.  After the healing process happened, I slowly became more and more useless.

My time in this house was coming to an end.  After a months time, I was told to leave.

~Joslyn~