A Girl With Problems, A Girl With Confidence

Well it seems I am also late to follow up with my “I’m late” post.

Anywho…. I am here and writing now.  I’ve just been continuing on in my journey to stay alive.  Work is not giving me much to work with lately, but this was kind of expected at this time of the year.  After this month I should be able to do more with myself as far as finances go.  Christmas is like a revival of my income, thankfully.

Hormones.  I’m still on them and ready to go back to the doctor for a second visit.  I’ll call tomorrow and schedule my appointment.  I will say that I’ve waited longer than I had anticipated, but I should be able to survive.  I’ve written in the past that I had budding breasts, but tonight I felt my left one and thought “Wow! That really is quite a lump.”  These things are now impossible to hide.  If I try to grab anything from up high I’m feeling pain in my chest because the shirt is pulling on the lumps.  I do believe I have one of my greatest fears ahead of me: Dealing with the social acceptance of me having breasts.  I am totally excited to see this coming, but I am soooo scared of the ignorant people that are out there.  People can be so rude and tasteless.

My other fear is my voice.  I’ve slacked for far too long to make it happen.  I don’t want to be the girl with a man’s voice.  I hate every second of it.  I hate to even talk in public.  I hate to be seen only because I fear being spoken to.  I don’t worry so much about my appearance, but what is actually going on in the person’s mind who has me before them who is almost certainly thinking, “this is a man.”  I don’t mind at all that someone thinks that.  That is fine.  I just don’t need to know that is what they are thinking.  So, if they hadn’t been thinking it, when I do speak they will be.

This problem needs fixed ASAP.  I’ve youtubed many different videos.  I understand what people have done.  I just need to get enough courage to make it a habit to talk in a different manner so I can get as close to a feminine voice as possible.  Time will help with that.  The muscle will tone and eventually it will be simple.  Through practice I should be able to work on tone and articulation (which is absolutely important, believe it or not).  The way I talk now is very masculine, very drone like.  This is not how I wish to sound.  I want much more emphasis, much more emotion, much more enjoyment when I speak.  I want to say things in a way that make people smile, not just say things that make people smile.

I guess I should address my personal daily attire while I’m at it.  Having thrown out all my ‘boy’ clothes back in April and only allowing myself my ‘girl’ clothes.  I’ve almost completely accomplished getting over my fear of social criticism of that.  I do still have a thing about skirts and dresses.  I hate my legs dearly.  I always wear leggings/knee high socks.  I don’t wear tank tops or short sleeved shirts that show a lot of my biceps.  My muscle is still very large there.  It screams ‘boy’ when I see them.  I don’t want to lose my strength, but I do want some muscle mass to just… go away.

‘Man’ hair.  I’ve notice a slight stalling in the growth of the hair on my face and chest regions.  It’s not very profound of a difference.  I do notice that my day one post shaving has much less growth than before.  Day two I definitely have a significant shadow.  I’ve been unable to decide if I can see a difference in the thickness of the hair.  I’ve still been shaving my chest, as well.  I had said before that I’d never do this again and that I would start waxing.  Turns out… waxing hurts a lot.  HAHAHAHAHA.   So, I’m still shaving all my body hair, and I have noticed that I’m having less and less issues with the in growns and infection.  Maybe this is due to a difference in skin maintenance.  I don’t know exactly.  I do appreciate it dearly, though.  No one wants sore bumps all over.

Anyways… this is where I leave you tonight…

OH!! I never posted my Halloween get-up!! So I leave you with this.

Love,

Joslyn

A Whirlpool In The Sky And A Night Like Our Fire Inside!

So once again I go quite a span of time without writing.  Busy I have been.  Between Hurricane Isaac and work, I’ve failed to find time.  So, here I am again.

Life has had its way with me these last couple of weeks.  I just find myself stressed and then superbly happy and then back to stressed again.  Isaac was not good on me with all my worrying that I wouldn’t make a dime on a busy weekend as Southern Decadence tends to be.  I managed to overcome that  and make a typical weekends pay.  I got my rent paid and now back to working on the other delinquent bills again.  I always worry about way too much.  I finally got to see my pictures from the photo shoot, and I must say,  these pictures are quite amazing for me.  I do look them over and see flaws in myself, which I do plan to fix.

I’m such a perfectionist at times.  I can never achieve what I aim for and when I get there i set the bar higher than the day before.  Always working to achieve better.  That is always my goal.

My biggest issues as of late are the feelings I get when people I’ve known forever are not using the name I’ve chosen.  Some people just don’t know any better, some, on the other hand,  have just not felt comfortable with it I’m going to assume.  My foot will begin to go down on this soon.   I am doing this and I expect people to continue on with me.  I don’t ask for much, just a bit of respect for what it is that I am going for.  This is me, and this is who I am.

September is finally here, too!!! What does that mean???? MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

September 15 will be an amazing night out with some of my closest friends in the city.  We will party ’til there is no more party to party!!! I can’t even imagine how or when that will be.  I will be decked out and fancily dressed.  I expect the rest to do the same.  We march as a Krewe… we are not tourists.  WE ARE A PART OF THIS CITY; WE WILL TAKE THE NIGHT!

Life for me as of late has been quite nice apart from the stress, though.  I am still here, and I am taking everything from life that I can.

Love life with me!!

<3<3<3<3<3

Joslyn

Making Beautiful The Already Beautiful

Been a long week.  I don’t know even what day it was that I last posted.  I’d go check, but I’m lazy.

Ok. First off: Work.

Work has been fairly slow for me lately.  Especially this last weekend where it just rained and rained and rained.   I’m still struggling to get caught up on the bills that are dragging me down.  I am so ready for summer to be over.  Oh well.. this is the profession I chose.  It has its ups and it has its downs.  As far as coming out at work goes, I am still slowly putting pieces together for people.  I still dare not to play the part, even though there really isn’t much of a part to play.  I am who I am, and behind a mask, at work, I will stay.  What these people know from the obvious is all they need to know.  I don’t think it’s necessary for me to tell every passer by “hey! call me she not he.”  I’ve given them no hints and I’m only out there to work.  I would love for it to be the other way around, but I have my patience and in due time I will get the respect from those who do not know me as well.  I do not need to demand it.  Those who know and love me give me everything I need.

It is now week 12 of eating birth control and I can say that these truly are the buds of titties.  I have no idea to what extent this pill is effecting my body.  I’ve failed to take measurements, and at this point I really just don’t want to anyways.  With my patience my body will manifest.  I am continually seeing myself in the light that I want to.  I look in the mirror and 75% of the time I do see the girl I am.  This makes me happy.  My hair is beginning to get to a length where I am ready to cut it and have it styled.

This is quite the milestone for me.

This will truly help me create the image I seek.

As far as other things go, I’ve just finished a photo shoot today.  It was truly an amazing experience.  I had a wonderful photographer, Jeffrey Dupuis ( www.JeffreyDupuis.com ), and I also had an amazing makeup artist to work with me, of whom I do not have contact info for at this moment.  We spent about 3 hours going around and shooting pics of me and I felt absolutely fabulous!!!  I can now only wait to see Jeffrey’s work.

Afterwards I came home and didn’t even want to take the makeup off.  I passed out and woke up.. it was still perfect.  I have never felt so amazingly gorgeous as I did today.  I only hope that one day I can recreate her work.

OK! so much for talking and talking and talking about it.  Here is a pic that I took as soon as I made it home:

Me after I got home from the photo shoot

Oh and I almost forgot.  I also went to an event at a place here called Mardi Gras World where there was an event held named The Halfway To Mardi Gras Staycation Ball.  I went there to juggle free of charge and just collect tips.  It was not very well lit (which makes it hard to juggle), plus it was mildly raining outside all evening.  Needless to say it funded me nothing.  I did however manage to find the bar and OH MY GOSH was I ever so plastered.  Any who.. here is also a picture from this event:

So now.. until next time.. make sure you subscribe and share… It will only make me love you more!!

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Joslyn