I feel like I’ve failed to express myself as of late. As if my views have been left dry due to self-pity and perhaps a bit of fear about the reality I am presenting myself as. I had to pause the other night due to ‘the cup throwing incident’ and reflect on it. I questioned myself, “self…. am I ready for this? Is this the fact that I see fit for myself?” It took me only a couple of hours to fully convince myself that yes, I am on the right path. To give up would only lead me back to where I started. Back to a place where I don’t feel comfortable being who I am. A place that I feel more empty than is ever imaginable to sustain emotional survival.
I wonder, though, what it is that I seek still. I haven’t quite found myself, but I’ve jumped that hurdle by now. I lack any sort of goal, though. I at the very least need a goal. There is no point to anything really if I don’t have a goal. Even the idea that I’m just going to enjoy life has that simple ideal of a goal: ENJOY. I lack even that. I feel like I seek too often the acceptance of others who have already given every inch of acceptance. I still feel like a broken wheel. Like I am just something of a defect. I have no one in my life to go to for that deep emotional comfort you get with love.
I love my family. I love my son. I love my friends. To not have a person close enough to even flirt with is disastrous to a soul in my opinion. There is a lot of expression that happens through that. You don’t need a relationship to enjoy the simple feeling that you seek and label as ‘love.’ Love comes and goes like a flower. It blossoms. It dies. Sometimes it comes back in that same spot, but sometimes a seed has been spread and a very similar flower blossoms elsewhere. I am at a point where I feel like all my seeds of love have died. I don’t feel like I can find enough comfort in my own self to allow someone to love me. I don’t want to feel like I am the reason for someone’s life not going in the direction they want to go. Most of the time… I let the worst of society get to me and I just feel utter disgust in myself as a person. This is the struggle I feel daily.
All I do anymore is go week to week without any set goal other than pay my bills. I’ve situated myself into a lifestyle where I can get away from the typical work, sleep, work, sleep routine. I have not yet found a comfortable medium on how to enjoy my life. I don’t. I still don’t enjoy what I have. I like who I am at this point, but I really don’t know how get out of this shell. I am hiding and I don’t know what I’m hiding from any more.
Then again there is also the question of ‘when is it love and when is it lust?’ This is very difficult to decipher. I do feel both go together well, but I want to know (for my own personal reasons) does this person have what I need and do I have something to offer? I fully believe there is a void in everyone’s life that is filled by that special type of love. In most relationships that I see fail it is very evident that at least one party is not doing well with the situation. I think in love you must want to fill that void for your partner, but not in order for you to fill your own. Selfishness is one of the biggest things I see wrong when people come to me with there relationship problems. If you can want to bring something to someone without ever expecting a return then you have defeated the selfish action that most people take, though, this still does not constitute to perfection. You must still be able to meet the needs of the other and vice versa, thus why it is called ‘compatibility.’
I don’t really want much more than to know that someone smiles because of me. It is a feeling I truly miss. No one is here for me in good or bad. No one knows I cry. No one knows I smile. I just continue on as another person walking the streets (a passer-by per say) saying hello and goodbye to people that mean something, but not as much as the meaning could be if that person was the one who lives because of me.
What I want in itself is selfish. WANT. It just is selfish in its own meaning. I like to look at it as ‘need.’ I need this love so I can feel stable in life. It is how I function to my fullest.
My life is dormant and sick because I no longer function well.
My heart is a workhorse for a needless soul.
I defeat myself with constant sorrow.
A sorrow grown from negligence of my self,
And my true being that I am afraid to own.